Day to day
by Lord Casskey
Summary: Hellsing's new accountant is hired to keep track of bizarre occurences in the Hellsing household. Not that bizarre really means anything there. Rating may go up in future.
1. Chapter 1: Introductions and Innovations

"How much do you want this job?" Sir Integral asked.

The tall blonde man in his military uniform squirmed a bit under her gaze, despite the top of her head barely reaching his collarbone. "Is depending on what job is."

"Your ad in _Mercenaries Monthly_ stated that your English was good." she said, mentally kicking herself for asking Pip the bloody Frenchman to read the ad and not just reading it herself.

"My English is many good, like I am saying in ad! I am wanting job very muchly. Bear food is not cheaps, like trinket sold by gypsy. Is expensive, like car or house. I am needing rubles."

"We pay in pounds. This is England. You wouldn't happen to be Protestant, would you?"

"I am very protesting high price of bear foods in this country." he answered.

"That's not… fine. I don't care. How are you with numbers?"

"I am being many good with numbers!" he said, slightly excited. "When I am child and raised in woods by bear, I am bear accountant."

Integra, silently hoping that her mental fogginess had come from the half a quart of Scotch that she had drunk this morning with breakfast, asked, "And what, pray tell, is a bear accountant?"

Happy to talk about something he knew so much about, he answered, "Is one bear out of pack who is chosen to count and keep track of foods. Is being many important job, because if bear is untrustworthy like Chechen mercenary, then he is taking food for himself and nots telling no one. I am always putting on resume, but no one is reading."

"You know what?" said Integra. "Fine. I have a desk job open that I'd like you to fill."

Happily, he asked, "What is job?"

"You will be keeping track of any occurances on the grounds for future records. While we don't have an office open, there is a small patch of woods where no one goes," -_because of all the bodies that Alucard has left there, she thought-_"and I believe that one of the men has a van for sale. When can you start?"

_Number of awesome buts fucking crazies weapons created and tested on stupid Frenchman who is stupid and French: one._

Integra rubbed her eyes as she stepped out onto the balcony, her glasses pushed up onto her forehead. Her powder blue bathrobe and slippers betrayed an air of casualness that, considering the .32 automatic in her pocket and silver-edged switchblade in her slippers, it really should not have.

She yawned, organized her thoughts whilst trying to block out the memory of the usual bizarre nightmare that was a nightly gift from Alucard, and pushed her glasses down onto her face.

'_no,' _she thought. _'I'm imagining that.'_ she took off the glasses, rubbed them with her sleeve, then put them back on. "No." she said aloud, firmly, as though it would make reality stop being quite so mean to her way of seeing it.

Alucard was happily tinkering away in the lawn with what looked like a purple and yellow slide, and an old cannon.

"ALUCARD!" she yelled from the balcony. "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!"

Her stomach lurched, and she found herself on the lawn next to her giant, terrifying servant.

"Please don't ever do that again." she said. "Teleportation is not as fun for everyone else as it is for you. Seriously, though, what are you doing?"

Alucard stepped back, and stretched. "It's okay, I talked it over with Walter."

"Talked what over with Walter?" she said.

"This idea that I had for a weapon. Normally, I of course hate the sun, but this is a special exception. I stayed up all night finding the materials for this!" he proudly stated, sizzling slightly from the face.

Integra rubbed her temples, wishing that she had the foresight to store a hip flask in her bathrobe. "_what is it,_ Alucard?"

"Well," He began. "I got the idea from talking with Walter about smart bombs. He made a joke that if they were any smarter, they would carry weapons of their own. And I had a great idea!"

Walter, huffing and puffing, came up behind the two, then bent over to catch his breath. "And that's, when, he ran out of the lab. I tried to follow him-"

"Let me finish, Walter. Now, then, I-"

"Where did you get the slide… whatever that is?" Integra asked.

"Stole it from a playground. It came with some kids in it, so I dumped them… somewhere, I forget. The lake, I think."

"That's not a lake." Integra interrupted. "That's a swimming pool that you installed for yourself without my consent, which you then used to keep your pet crocodile in."

"Well, of course. He couldn't very well stay in the women's locker room any more. They kept upsetting him."

"That's not…. Where did you get a cannon from?"

"Garage." Alucard said nonchalantly. "Your father bought it at my urging. It was meant as a home defense weapon, to be loaded with four or five pounds of buckshot, but we forgot where it was."

"Of course." Walter said, making a mental note to search the house for hidden weapons and hide them from Alucard. "Do go on."

"Well, I think that a demonstration should be enough." Alucard said. "PIP!"

"OUI!" Pip called from fifty feet across the yard, standing on a huge red X.

"FIRE IN THE HOLE!" Alucard pulled a barrel with 'FUN' marked on the side in yellow lettering that should have weighed several times what he did out of his coat, loaded it onto the slide, and lit the cannon fuse.

The cannon belched, the giant Barrel shot up from the slide, and broke apart in midair, revealing eight or nine Chimpanzees, each armed with a silver sword.

They fell upon the screaming Frenchman, and blood spurted into the air as the Chimpanzees shouted their war cries to the air, screaming and biting and slashing.

"I am a _Genius._" Alucard said proudly.

"I need coffee." said Integra. "You know what? Sure. Fine. Put a monkey cannon into production. I don't even care anymore."

"MERDE! MY FLEEESSSH!" Pip screamed, punching at the Chimpanzees.

_Number of mailmen being killeds by giant psychopath who is many crazies in his head: one. Today._

Integral's silent motion detector set up outsider her office blinked red once, triggering her practiced reflexes, as she dug a Walther P99 out of her desk drawer.

Walter was in and had the door closed before she had the safety off. "I see you're getting rusty, Sir Integra. Perhaps you should lay off the afternoon scotch?"

"I'll lay off the painkiller when the pain in my life, namely, Alucard, stops." Integra said, pouring two fingers for herself. Two vertical fingers. "What is it, Walter?"

"I wanted to talk to you about the staffing shortage with the help. Not the French mercenaries, they're wonderful in their own way with the drinking and the target practice on the roof and the pissing in the houseplants, but I can't get them to clean up the house." he complained.

"But I thought that we still had maids." Integra said, brow furrowed.

"We've had to fire them all except for the seventy-five year old cook. Alucard is a walking sexual harassment suit, you see, so this year we've introduced a hiring policy against able-bodied young women."

"I would have thought that Pip would have set up a petition against that." Integra mused.

"You have to realize that the spelling skills of mercenaries are not high, Sir Integral."

"Of course, of course. Actually, you've given me an idea." Integra dialed the phone on her desk.

_Meanwhile, downstairs:_

_**Briiiiiiiinnng!**_

"AAAH!" Alucard shot the phone on the floor. "DIE! DIE! WHAT ARE YOU, VILE, NOISY CREATURE! DIE!"

_Upstairs._

Integra, wincing from the gunshots, put the phone down. "Perhaps I should have explained to Alucard how phones work before giving him one."

Walter sighed. "It wouldn't have done any good. He still thinks that the television has tiny men inside it. I'm fairly sure that he stopped paying attention to new trends in technology over five hundred years ago."

Integra retrieved a megaphone from under her desk. "ALUCARD!"

"Yes?" he said, melting through the floor.

"YEEEAAAH-can't you enter a room like a normal person? Just for once?" she sat down again. "Alucard, Walter needs help with the housework. Do whatever he says to do. Go. Both of you. I have reports to notarize."

As Alucard and Walter walked downstairs, Walter began, "I could just tell you, but you'll forget, so I'm going to write everything down. Turn around. " Walter clicked a pen and put a piece of paper against Alucard's back.

"Fine, fine! What do you think I am, stupid?" Alucard grabbed the piece of paper and walked away.

"I just know that this isn't going to turn out well…" Walter said, putting hand to forehead.

_Wash the dishes._

"Fine! Easy!" Alucard ripped the sink out of the wall, emptied it onto the floor, and sprouted Baskerville the Hellhound from his arm. "Heeere boy! I have some dishes for you to lick!"

After the broken dishes were left on the ground, covered in giant horrible monster dog slobber, Alucard wandered away, leaving them on the floor. "That wasn't so hard. What's the next one?"

Seras, who was walking back from the range, stopped, Harkonnen in hand. "Master, why are you talking to yourself?"

"Police girl, why are you not polishing my coffin?"

_Mow the lawn._

"Easy as an unconscious hooker." Alucard finished pouring out the can of gasoline that he had found onto the lawn, then lit a match and tossed it down onto the ground. "It's not like he _said_ that I had to use the lawnmower…"

_Finish painting the dining room red before the council comes over tonight for dinner._

Bored already, Alucard checked the can of red paint, which was still depressingly full. "Now, how do I…"

A floor below, he noticed Seras chatting with Pip over a table full of pistols that Seras was learning to dismantle and clean. "Perfect."

Alucard opened the window, and poured the rest of the can onto Seras' head, which, while amusing, could only be done once as that was his last can of paint.

Alucard surveyed the rest of the dining room, which was about 9/10 done. "Hmmm…."

_Ding-dong._

Paul had had his luckiest break yet last week, when he got a job working at the post office under his parole officer's older half-sister. Maybe, just maybe, his life was beginning to get better.

The door opened, and a huge man stepped out, his red coat and wide-brimmed hat making him seem like a giant, skinny red mushroom. "Hello."

"I have a package here for a Sir Integral Hellsing. I'll need someone to sign for this-"

"That's not important. How much blood do you have in you?"

"Uh…" Paul thought. "The normal amount? I guess? Listen, I can just leave this-OH FUCK MY ORGANS!"

_later, that night:_

_"_Walter, go check on how Alucard's doing, will you?" Integra asked.

Walter walked downstairs, and opened the door to the dining room. "Alucard, are you done with-"

Alucard smeared the disemboweled corpse against the corner of the wall, then threw it through the window, not bothering to check if it was open to begin with. "Done."

"...Was that a mailman's outfit?"

"I ran out of paint."

Walter sighed, and began to dial his cell phone to get Pip to move the body off the lawn. "Say, something smells like it's burning. Like... Grass..."

_AUTHOR'S NOTE: Vasily belongs to SFTiki, and Hellsing and all contained characters belong to Kohta Hirano. _

_And the mail service really should just stop delivering to the Hellsing estate, after the time when Walter asked Alucard to paint the shed. And the gazebo. And Integra's bedroom…._


	2. Chapter 2: Sometimes it's just a cigar

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the rights to Hellsing. If I did, we would have a second season of the TV anime instead of that crappy OVA. If I wanted to watch the exact same story as the manga, I WOULD JUST READ THE MANGA.

_Number of cigars smoked this week by Sir Hellsing: 132_

"…and I read this article that said that some of the side effects were lung cancer, gum and jaw cancer, loss of sex drive and early onset menopause, and that's why-"

it was six o'clock in the morning, just before the sun rose, and Sir Integral liked to have this time to herself to organize her day and have a smoke. Usually, the mercenaries were sleeping off a massive collective hangover and the vampires were on their way to bed. The only people up and about were Integral and Walter, going about their business in entirely different realms of the house. However, today was different. Today, Seras had stayed up to blather to Integral about some article she had read in a magazine. Integra's ears had perked up when she heard that it was about smoking-the only magazines she had ever even handled were Cigar-based-but she had simply tuned it out when Seras started bleating about the alleged "Side effects" of "Chain Smoking" as Integral always did when people talked about that subject from that angle. She wasn't addicted. Cigars weren't addictive. She could quit any time she wanted.

And now, she didn't want to. So, she elbowed past Seras to the humidor on her desk, pulled out a Cuban Perfecto no. 5, and lit it in Seras' face.

_Click._

Well, she tried.

"And," Seras continued, "We've known these things for years! Tobacco kills! It has no benefits! And that's why I chose to-"

Integra cut her off. "Police girl, why won't my lighter work? I just bought this."

"Uh, yeah. About that…" Seras scratched the back of her head. "After I read the article, I sort of, uh, went around the house and emptied out all of your lighters. And I threw out all of the matches."

Integra futilely continued to click her lighter. "Seras, that's very funny. Very funny joke. Tell me where the matches are now."

"Uh…yeah. Master ate them."

Integra stopped clicking her lighter. "Why the fuck would he do that?"

"Because if you just hand Master things and say 'Eat this', he will do it. He doesn't even check to see what it is first. He just eats it. Walter gave him some cartridges for the Jackal yesterday and he ate them by reflex. I don't know why Master does that. I looked it up, psychologists don't have a word for it."

Integra nodded. "I see."

"You know, you're being very reasonable about this. I remember when I stole Pip's cigarettes, and he just went totally cuckoo loony tunes goose shit insane. You're actually doing pretty well, for five minutes without a-" Seras stopped speaking and her eyes widened.

Integra had, without a word, grabbed a fistful of small cigars from her desk drawer and taken a bite out of them like pretzels. _crunch crunch crunch._ "Thank you Seras. That will be all. I will have to think of a good punishment for you later. Please go retrieve Alucard from the basement for me."

Alucard suddenly floated up through the floor, dislodging Seras. "You called?"

Integra crunched the last handful of cigar stubs that she had found in the ashtray, then held out a new cigar. "Alucard, you can control fire, right?"

"I can…_generate_ fire." he said cautiously. "Control is a strong word."

"Blah blah safety. Blah blah I don't care. Light this." she said, holding the cigar out to him.

Alucard shrugged. "It's your funeral." he held out his right hand and clicked his fingers.

_Two hours later. The hospital. Burn ward._

"I hate you." Integral said from her hospital bed. "I hate you stupid vampires and your stupid fucking fire thrower hands and how you heal so fucking quickly. I hate you both."

"Now, now, Sir Integra, you don't mean that." Seras, utterly the same as she was two hours ago save for the substitution of a uniform with a hospital gown and a slightly sooty color to her blonde hair, patted Integral on the shoulder. Integra winced. "Sorry." Seras said.

"I," said Integra, "Am going to find a way to hurt you both in ways that you can't heal from."

"Come on!" Alucard said, wandering back in to the room holding a soda. "You weren't burnt that bad. Just around the neck. Once your hair grows back, no one will notice. Speaking of which, you two look almost like sisters now!" he said, gesturing to their suddenly identical haircuts. "Well, sister and brother."

Integra lurched up from her hospital bed to choke Alucard, but he slid back quicker than she could see and she ended up on the floor, face down.

"Ow." Integra said. "By dobe hurds."

Pip, wandering in with a bouquet of flowers, glanced down. "Wow, I wonder why zey make hospital gowns open at ze back like zat." he handed the flowers to Seras. "Nice derriere, Sir Integral!" he wandered off into the hall, presumably to find the nurses' changing room.

Seras helped Sir Integral back onto the bed. "Uh, well, look on the bright side-at least you don't have to pay for a new haircut, and you've still got your looks-oh god." Seras winced. "it, uh, kind of looks like you fell on your nose. It's kind of…well, it's at an angle…" Seras held her hands out and bent to the left, then her eyes widened. "Uh, wow. That's a lot of blood. I'm going to call a nurse now." Seras ran out into the hallway, just as Alucard wandered back in.

For some reason, Alucard had a large plastic bin filled with cans of soda. "I got these for you!" he said. "You know, because I felt bad for lighting you on fire and breaking your nose and everything." he picked up a can of ginger ale, and made as though he would hand it to her. "but, then, I remembered that feeling guilty is gay, but I had already broken open the vending machine and stolen all of these so I thought that I would throw them at pedestrians." Alucard opened the window and tossed a few cans of soda at people walking by. "Hey, an emo! Forty points! An old lady! Twenty points! A cop! A HUNDRED POINTS! Wait, is that a gun?" Alucard's face suddenly exploded, and he fell back onto Integral's bed.

Alucard then rolled over, smearing his bloody face on Integra's chest. "Wow." he said after a few minutes. "You are flat as a _washboard,_ woman. I guess smoking really does stunt your growth."

_One week later._

Walter handed Integral her cane as she exited the limo. "Greetings, Sir Integral. I must make my most sincerest apologies for neglecting to visit you in the hospital, but I was forced by circumstance to stay here in order to keep Alucard from burning down the place. I sent some flowers along with Mister Bernadotte. I hope you received them?"

Integra nodded her head. "I suppose that you could say that. Do not worry, Walter, my injuries are nothing. Has my order from that website arrived yet?"

As Walter walked Sir Integral up the stairs, to her office, he answered "Yes. I took the liberty of adding something special in light of your recent ordeal. I think you will enjoy it." when Walter walked Integral in through the double doors of her office, he set her down on her beautiful leather swivel chair and opened a cigar box embossed with an Irish seal. "These are Erin go Bragh whiskey cigars. I knew that was one of your favorite brands of whiskey, and when I learned that they had introduced a line of cigars with the tobacco impregnated with the liquor, I thought of you."

"Thank you, Walter, that's very kind." Integra suddenly seized the box with both hands, and threw it bodily from the window. "But I like to think that I have learned something from my experiences, and I have decided…" she narrowed her eyes.

"To Quit Smoking." Integral extracted through gritted teeth.

Walter smiled a little to himself; perhaps leaving that magazine in Seras' room "By Accident" really did pay off. "I'm glad to hear that you care about your health. I shall send someone down to the store to fetch some nicotine gum for you."

"No, Walter, I want nothing to do with anything so pedestrian. I was never addicted, I can stop anytime I want, and I am choosing to stop. I will never let anything so common and vile as an addiction bring me down from the station at which I am placed." she settled into the chair. "Walter, could you fetch me some Scotch from the liquor cabinet downstairs? It's almost two o'clock in the afternoon and they wouldn't let me have any at that beastly hospital."

"Right away, Sir Integral." Walter sighed a little to himself as he walked down the hall to the liquor cabinet. One step forward, two steps back.


	3. Chapter 3: VicoGin

_**PREFACE:**_ OH MY GOD HELP ME BEFORE I WRITE AGAIN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING AAAAAAAH I don't own hellsing. Or any American television shows, as of the moment.

"Walter, _WHERE THE FUCK IS THE COPIER!"_ Sir Integral Hellsing gripped a sheaf of military surplus forms so tightly that the envelope popped open, creating a small explosion of orders, forms, and receipts that rained down like a confusing thunderstorm of bureaucratic nonsense. Integra made several confused, sputtering sounds, then simply put her fist through the window next to her. "WAAAALLLLLTER!"

"Yes?" Walter appeared, handing a hip flask to Integral so easily it must have been reflex. She grabbed the flask with the bloodied, glass-pierced hand, guzzled the whole thing down in one go, and threw it out the window.

"Need-have-smoke." Integra's eyes twitched.

"I'm afraid that's impossible. At the rate you used to smoke, your health would have been destroyed by age 40. However, you will cancel out any health benefits if you simply compensate by drinking more. Did you hear me, Sir Integral?"

She swallowed another mouthful of gin from the bottle hidden behind the radiator. "Nope. Too busy drinking. Hey, where do we keep the bandages?" Integra poured a shot of gin onto her hand.

Walter sighed. "Downstairs, in the kitchen. We used to keep a first aid kit in the bathroom on this floor, but Alucard kept replacing the hydrogen peroxide with alligator urine. The one in the kitchen only survives because he never goes there."

Walter took the bottle of gin from Integra's hand, and deftly moved his intoxicated boss into the elevator. "I still remember how hard it was when I quit smoking." he said. "That was back in the forties. Everyone smoked then, but I had to give it up because of the cost. Fortunately, I had a good friend to carry me through."

"Really?" Integral looked up, slightly tipsy.

"No. Alucard held my head underwater in the toilet and threatened to drown me if I didn't stop. Not because he cared about me. I'm pretty sure he just wanted the extra money for a phonograph."

"Did you eventually get one?"

"Yes, but he tried to open it up to 'find the little people that made it go.' he thought they would be tasty. Alucard was born in the dark ages, so I can't really fault him for not understanding how modern technology works. Does your hand hurt?"

"Probably." Integral answered. "Do you have a hankerchief? I'd rather not get blood on my suit."

"Master!" Alucard's face suddenly appeared from the floor.

"JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!" Integral jumped back. "Why do you have to DO THAT!"

All of Alucard" 6'9 frame slowly drifted up through the floor, as he excitedly blathered to his Master, words running into one another. "I'm famous, Master! People love me! I've been on the internet-well, I told Pip to get on the internet or I wouldn't give him the antidote-and people love me! Lots of them! I haven't felt this adored since the fourteenth century!"

Integra, devoid of Cigars, grabbed a pen from her lapel and chewed on it. The effect was nowhere near as imposing. "Alucard, I thought I told you to stop sending tapes to those people at american idol. You can't sing, Or dance, Or train snakes, or any combination of those skills."

Alucard shook his head. "No, no, it's not about my act-you tube is far more appreciative of that, anyway-but look what I found in a bookstore!" he thrust a paperback volume at Integral. The plain cover read _**DRACULA**_, and underneath that _by Bram Stoker_.

"Somebody wrote a book about me!" he exclaimed. "People love me!"

"I thought you couldn't read." Walter said.

"I can't. books are gay. Except this one, because it's about me!" he said happily.

The elevator dinged, and the door opened. Integral had already chewed through the metal pen, and the gin from earlier was beginning to wear off. "Alucard, have you even read that?"

"No." he replied proudly. "Reading is gay too. I'll make Pip stay up and read it to me. I'll tell him that I won't give him the antidote if he doesn't."

"That's-" Walter began. "Wait, antidote?"

"Oh, right." Alucard said. "Pip swallowed-a…thing that I gave him. You should probably take him to the hospital and have his stomach pumped."

Walter sighed. "Where is he?"

Alucard shrugged. "Last I saw, I told him that if he won at hide and seek I'd bring him to the hospital, and I locked him in the shed. That was…oh…" the no life king scratched his head. "Three hours ago?"

Walter handed Integra another hip flask, then sprinted off down a hallway without another word.

"Yeah, don't get too excited for me or anything. Some friend." Alucard pouted.

"Alucard, hand me that book." Integra ordered.

"Sure. Hey, I bet it's great. Will you read it and tell me about it? Do I have sex in it? With who? Does he talk about how big my-" Alucard's jaw dropped when Integral lit the book on fire, then flung it as far out the window as she could.

"Alucard, did you get your pet alligator out of the pool like I asked you to?"

"No, but-"

"Then do it. Or maybe you'd like to spend a whole week in wolf form? I hear the local vet has a discount for the neutering of large animals." Integra glared.

"Fine! God! All I try to do is raise an exotic carnivore in a pool-that I built, by the way-and everyone gets all huffy. It's like you don't like a little danger with your swimming or something!" Alucard phased through the wall, still mumbling vague threats.

Integral pulled a shard of glass out of her hand with her teeth, and wondered if Walter had the foresight to store some Brandy with the first aid kit…

Seras wandered back from the van, an enormous case of 30mm anti-tank ammunition in her arms. As she came to the door to Walter's "office" (really a garage, converted to accommodate hand loading and gunsmithing equipment) she moved the huge case effortlessly to one arm as she fumbled in her miniskirt pocket for the keys.

"Darn miniskirts, small pockets-where did I put those keys? Why does my uniform have to be so small?" she mumbled. "Why can't I have pants like everyone else?"

Alucard's face grew out of the door knocker. "Police girl!"

"AAAH!" Seras dropped the huge chest of ammo-unfortunately, on her foot. "OW!"

"Come on, don't be such a whiny brat. You have two feet, you can afford to lose one." Alucard shifted the huge chest like flipping a beetle on its back, then picked his fledgling up with the same amount of effort. "Come, Seras, I must show you something. I've prepared a little surprise for our Sir Integra…" he laughed, and any small animals on the grounds with decent hearing had little heart attacks.

"Oh, Vicodin and Gin. You make the best couple. Maybe you should get married! And then I would eat your children. They would be called VicoGin…" The great and mighty Sir Integral Hellsing woozily strode down the path to look at her unkept, ugly garden, for no other reason than the idea of looking at the crude, violent society of rabid, cannibalistic raccoons that had taken up residence there somehow appealed to her.

Integra skipped gaily through the gate, then tripped over the half-eaten corpse of a turkey that had the misfortune to wander in there. "Hi, mister turkey! Walter says I have a drinking problem. What bullshit! Only drinkin' problem I got is when I run out of whiskey! Asshole." Integra cuddled with the dead thing, ignoring the insects crawling up the sleeves and pant legs of her expensive suit. "You won't tell me I have a problem, will you? Wow, I can really feel the blood loss. I wonder if I can make new blood out of bourbon."

A relatively small(dog-sized) raccoon, with enough foam around its mouth to bathe a small kitten, tentatively approached the big bunny-thing covered in bugs. Perhaps it was edible.

"Oh, mister turkey." Integral said, sitting cross-legged with the newly christened Mr. Turkey in her lap, "You won't forget my birthday, will you? Everyone else did. I'm human too, you know…I have feelings…" The small raccoon bit down on the back of Integra's head, hard. Integral acted quickly, swinging her turkey around the back of her head to knock the raccoon away like a baseball. Unfortunately, her deceased feathered friend came apart at the seams as it hit, spreading feathers, flesh and bone like a fine blanket over poor sir Integra.

"Mister turkey!" she called out. "No!" she scrambled to collect the pieces of her poor friend. "I'll never forget your sacrifice, old friend. But wait!" she stopped, never even for a moment wondering why she was talking to a dead, dismembered turkey, "We can rebuild you! We have the technology! Well, Walter does. Look out, mister turkey, you just might make it!" Integral raced across the grounds, two thousand pound suit covered in blood and bugs, an armful of turkey bits in her hands.

"Walter, look what I built!" Integral exclaimed, pointing to the monstrosity on the dining room table.

Walter adjusted his glasses. "You have some foam on your mouth."

Integral wiped it away, taking a moment to chew on a beetle she found in her hair. "Look! He's my new friend."

"Sir Integral," Walter began, "That appears to be a dead…turkey, with popsicle sticks and duct tape enhancements."

"And a dildo." Integral added proudly.

"Yes." Walter stared for a few seconds. "Why?" was the only word that could exit his lips.

"Because he was my best friend, and I had the technology to rebuild him, so I did."

"Technology?"

"Duct tape can fix anything. Also, did you know that Gin and Vicodin are married now?" Integral asked, quite seriously.

"Where?" Walter asked.

"My belly!" Integra giggled, then collapsed. "I need a smoke." she said, in all seriousness, chewing lightly on the carpet, foaming a bit at the mouth.

"No, you don't. I took the liberty of asking Alucard to gather all of the hidden cigars in the house. And every cigar or tobacco product within two miles. And yes, he even bought up the stock from your favorite tobacconist's. No more smoking." he wiped a little foam and blood from Integral's chin. "I guess we'll have to start on the drinking next."

Integral make an acquiescing sound. "I guess so…" And leaned into Walter. "You have a lot of problems, Integra, but you have people to help you. You have friends. Like me. And Seras. And…." Walter drew a blank. "Um…."

_Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep._

A huge dump truck backed up into the driveway. And past, into the lawn. And through the front wall of Integral's mansion.

"What the…what?" Integra asked.

Then, the bed of the vehicle raised itself, and a torrent of cigars, pipes, cigarettes, and various tobacco products landed in Integra's living room.

Alucard swung his way out of the driver's seat. "HAPPY FUCKIN' BIRTHDAY!" he called out, then threw a lit match onto the pile of tobacco, which happened to smell slightly like lighter fluid.

"Shit." said Walter.

The whole mansion filled with smoke. Alucard had apparently added a few quick-burn logs and some charcoal to the pile, and the fire spread across the house with ease. The sprinklers came on-aided by Seras with a garden hose-and the fire soon faded into what Integra thought was beautiful, beautiful smoke.

"It's….so….wonderful…" Integral fell face first into the burning pile of soggy tobacco. "It's like heaven…" she swam in the enormous, disgusting pile like a happy child in a ball pit. "Haaaapppppyyyy…."

"I hope you realize that you're a horrible person." Walter said to Alucard.

"Yep." Alucard replied, unperturbed. He stuffed his mouth with fistfuls of meat and popsicle sticks. "Mmm. Good turkey."

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Happy Birthday, Sir Integra! You now have rabies.


	4. Chapter 4: shocking developments

Pip woke up at exactly the same time his air ran out.

"MMMPH!" his one eye shot open, and his arms flailed for the Colt Peacemaker on his bedside table, loaded with silver hollow points.

"Don't worry, it's just me." Alucard took the pillow off of Pip's face. "Good morning."

Pip took in great gulps of sweet air before gasping "What ze fuck?"

Alucard looked at him quizzically. "Good morning. It's something you say when someone wakes up."

"Why did you….what did….what is wrong with you?"

Alucard waved him off. "List is too long. Anyway, I hear you have designs on my fledgling."

"I…what?" Pip found that the mixture of fear, queasiness and uncertainty he felt hearkened back to his days as a teenager, when he met his girlfriend's father for the first time. The only difference was, Alucard was far more terrifying than anyone Pip had ever met, being a psychopath with superhuman powers. Pip wondered how the monster had bypassed the anti-vampire security system at the door.

Alucard crunched on something. "Crosses don't count if you make them out of a pair of stale baguettes and a nail. Why did you think that was a good idea?"

Pip hung his head in defeat. "You win this time, Vampire. What makes you think I am interested in your daught-fledgling?"

Alucard held his hands away from his chest. "She has enormous tits."

"That's…that sounds creepy, from you." and so does everything else you say, Pip thought.

"And also I can read minds. I can see what you dream, what you think about, what exists in your small mind. I can see everything you've ever thought about, or ever will, every time I look at you." Alucard took another bite of baguette.

"Wow." Pip said. "Doesn't that drive you crazy?"

Alucard chuckled. "You sound just like the little green potato monsters that live in my teeth and scream at me. Of course I'm not crazy! I just compartmentalize really well."

"Of course." Pip said. "Wait, is that a potted plant in the corner? Why is it on fire?"

"Little green potato monsters told me to." Alucard said. "Sorry about that. Anyway, I trust you understand that if you break my daugh-fledgling's heart, I'm going to rip off your dick and stick a knife in the wound and run it up and around your entire body so I can skin you alive and then cut a hole in the roof of your mouth and stick your dick right up into your brain and turn you inside out so you die of shock and blood loss while you're entirely conscious, do you understand me?"

Pip stared at him, open-mouthed, curling himself up into a protective ball. "No! God! No! Of course not! I would never! Please don't murder me!"

Alucard shrugged. "Good enough." he stood up and strolled over to the burning cactus-in-a-pot. "So far you seem adequate. However, I'll need you to pass a few tests before I'll allow you to act upon your intentions for my police girl." Alucard picked up the flaming, prickly plant.

"First test-catching ability and resistance to flame." Alucard tossed the flaming cactus at Pip.

"AAAAAAAAH!" Pip ducked, and the pyro-plant bounced off of the wall and onto his bed, where the sheets caught fire. Pip jumped out of bed, his braid afire, and hit his head at a great speed into the ceiling fan, knocking him out cold on the floor while the fire spread.

"I can see we will have a lot of work to do." Alucard mused.

-line break-

Seras scrambled for a bathrobe before answering the door to her humble basement room. "Walter? What is it? It's four in the afternoon-why did you get me up so early?"

"I apologize profusely, Miss Victoria, but this is the only time I'll have to speak with you privately. I realize that this is early for someone who sleeps during the day, but I must speak with you."

Seras nodded. "What is it?"

"As I'm sure you know, Sir Integral is a woman with-insecurities." Walter began. "I hate to point the finger, but she did have the regular influence of a sociopath with psychic powers from a formative age. I suppose she cannot be blamed for a lack of social nuance or understanding."

Seras blinked. "Walter, it's very early for me. Could you go over that again?"

"Integra grew up with Alucard around, so I think he messed up her brain." Walter sighed.

"Oh. I could have told you that." Seras replied. "I've been around Alucard for just a few months, and he's already making me insane. But what can I do about that?"

"You see, Sir Integral's cornucopia of mental health issues are primarily kept in check by a combination of alcohol and my guidance. I like to think it has more to do with the latter. However, there are some things I simply cannot counsel her on, for a variety of reasons: I am an old man, and she is a young woman, and there are….things that I cannot be the one to counsel her on."

Seras looked at Walter sideways. "Walter, do I have to give Sir Integra _The Talk?_ because that is way, way out of my jurisdiction."

"No, no." Walter laughed. "We'll get around to telling her eventually. The thing is, Integra needs a friend her own age, and you're the only one I could find."

"But…she's…crazy." Seras said. "I mean, no offense, you did a good job teaching her to not bite people or anything, but she's crazier than a suitcase full of cats. And what would we talk about? Believe it or not, 'girl stuff' just isn't my forte. I was a cop, remember?"

"I understand that it will be difficult. Nothing worthwhile is easy. However, I came to the conclusion that some…aid may be necessary." Walter reached into his coat and withdrew an envelope. "This contains your new weekly salary. I trust the number of zeroes is satisfactory?"

Seras opened the envelope, then seized up and dropped it. "What do you want me to do again?"

Walter smiled, relieved. "Well, the first issue I'd like you to work on is Integra's most irrational insecurity, and the one that drove me to contact you. I'll explain…"

_That Morning_

"Walter?" Integral asked, crushing an expenses report into a ball, which joined the four foot tall pyramid next to her desk.

"Yes, Sir Integral?" Walter picked up another ball from the floor, flattened it out, and placed it on back on the pile on Integral's "In" box.

"You're old." Integral placed emphasis on _you're,_ like it was the preface to another statement.

"Yes." Walter answered without fail.

"You've seen a lot of breasts, right?"

"I…" Walter squinted. "Um…I…suppose…I've seen…a…few?" He said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Integral got up from her chair, opening her unbuttoned dress shirt wide. "Would these be considered small?"

"…I…" Walter's face looked like it had given up trying to create new expressions to display its inner confusion and terror. "…I…have to…go…do…a thing. I'll…uh…" Walter fled downstairs.

-_end flashback_-

"And then I came down here with some money." Walter clasped his hands together. "Integra is a two-person job. Please, please, please help me. Just talk to her. About woman things. Take her shopping. Take her to a bar. Be her friend. Just try to make her less crazy. I can't do everything. Butlers aren't superheroes. Jeeves and Wooster lied to me. Just please, please, try.'

"Okay, fine." Seras interrupted. "I don't mind; maybe I'll get a chance to make a friend. I mean, I like talking to you about guns and different brands of tea and stuff, and talking to Pip is kind of fun as long as I stay far away enough that he can't pinch my bum while we're talking, but this could be a fun opportunity!"

"It would be better for your personal health if you thought of it as a chore." Walter stated. "A terrifying, necessary chore." He got up to leave. "If you'll excuse me, I must prepare Alucard's breakfast. The raccoons get harder to catch at night."

"Wait. I have a question." Seras said.

"Yes?"

"What…_was_ my room before it was, y'know, my room? Because I think it was a dungeon."

Walter grimaced. "it was…a storage facility. For brooms. A broom closet, I suppose."

"Oh." Seras replied, a little surprised.

"But before that, it was a dungeon."

"Oh." Seras said again, pouting a little. "I wondered why there was a skull behind the television."

"I must again apologize on behalf of the cleaning crew for that." Walter said. "Now, if that's all…"

"I kind of feel…responsible for Integral, you know? I mean, her…inadequacy problem. The only female she has to compare herself to is me, and…" Seras gestured at her ample charms.

"I have to…goodbye." Walter got up and left.

-line break-

"Now…absorbency tests." Alucard seized Pip by the braid, and dunked the protesting Frenchman's head in the sink, holding the poor man under for almost a minute.

"Excuse me, Mr. Alucard? This is the kitchen, and you said you wouldn't drown anyth-" A maid, sweeping up, interrupted.

"I'm not drowning him, Moira. I'm testing his absorbency. You never know when my fledgling might need to use him as a sponge." Alucard explained matter of factly before yanking Pip from the sink. "But, it is now time to move on to the next evaluation. You are just a perfect little timekeeper. Walter should watch out; you're on your way up!" Alucard shook a finger at her, then bundled Pip under his arm and wandered outside.

"I think I just peed myself." The kitchen boy said.

"Shut up and peel the goddamn potatoes."

Outside, Alucard dropped Pip unceremoniously on a picnic table in the garden.

"Are…are we done yet, Monsieur Alucard? Because I think the only reason I haven't shit myself out of fear today is because even my ass is afraid of you. We've established that you could kill me without breaking a sweat. What else needs to be-" Pip was suddenly interrupted by a pair of clamps in a private area.

"No. Now, it's time for me to test you for Electrical conductivity, so I can make sure that you're not a robot in disguise." Alucard hooked up the other clamps to a car battery.

Suddenly, they heard the sound of Integra hugging a dead animal (it's a sort of-squishing, crunching sound) from the animal ghetto and breeding ground for disease that Walter laughably called "The Garden." She was playing with what was, this time, a dead raccoon. "Oh, mister raccoon. You gave me rabies, but I forgive you. Those doctors put a needle the size of a fucking harpoon in my ass! See if I ever get bit by a raccoon again. Why are you looking at me like that? Oh, silly you! Of course if I died, I'd let your family gnaw on my corpse! That's what friends do." Integra giggled.

"Zees is your fault." Pip said. "I'm pretty sure that she's like that because of you."

"Is it my fault everyone else can't see the leprechauns?" Alucard replied. "Integra pretends she can't hear the leprechauns who tell me to burn things, so I thought it would be neat if she would just do that by herself."

"You scare me shitless. Have I said that already?" Pip said.

"Mister raccoon-wait, are you a mister?" Integra checked. "Yep. Definitely. Okay, Do female raccoons have tits? Do they worry about how large they are? Do the female raccoons with small tits not get boyfriends in high school and end up fiddling with paperwork and getting tormented by vampires in their twenties? A bloo blah bloo." Integra started crying into her dead raccoon, which was a horrible thing to witness. Seriously, think about it. Horrible, isn't it?

"Hey! Sir Integra!" Seras, with some hesitation, entered the "Garden." "Hey, uh, Sir Integra? Wow, you really are mixing your medications and alcohol. That is a smelly raccoon. I, uh, just rented this movie, and it's in French, and I heard you know French so I thought it would be cool if we watched it together."

Integra pointed at Seras's chest. "AAAH! The boob monster! Sacre Bleu! it's coming to get me!" Integra skittered up a tree, like a squirrel. "It's coming to get me!"

"Alright, you know what?" Seras said. "Fuck this. I'm done. I'm done for the day. Today is my day off." She noticed Alucard and Pip. "HEY!"

Pip perked up.

Seras strided over, yelling at Alucard. "Master, what are you doing! Were you going to electrocute Pip!"

"Yes." Alucard said, a little guiltily. "Right in the huevos."

"Well, stop it right now! Why would you do that!"

"Because I'm insanely protective." he replied.

"No, you're not! You don't care about me! Yesterday, you dragged my coffin out of my room to use as a drink table! You didn't use a coaster! You put blood in all of my stuff, so that I would 'get used to the stuff.' Master, you baked me a cake with a dead rat in it. You're just crazy, and want an excuse to beat up Pip!" Seras called out her Master, angrily poking him in the chest.

"That's not true! Why else would I put a camera in your bathroom, if not because I care about your security?"

"Because you-" Seras stopped. "You did _**WHAT**__!"_

Alucard thought for a second. "Leprechauns made me do it."

"Come on, Pip." Seras pried Pip's parts free from the alligator clips, and dragged him off by the hand. "I rented this goddamn stupid French movie, and I'm going to see it with someone who understands French whether they like it or not."

"Aaah." Alucard sighed as soon as they were gone. "It's nice to see a young couple, on their way to becoming just that. I just love it when a plan comes together."

"You said it!" a tinny voice squeaked from a three foot tall man in green next to Alucard. "Now, you know what would really hit the spot? A burning limo, driven into a post office."

"It's like you read my mind, little man!" Alucard exclaimed.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **I don't own Hellsing, Jeeves and Wooster, or leprechauns until further notice. First of all: INTEGRA IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. ALCOHOL IS NOT A CURE FOR ANY MENTAL DISEASE, AND SHOULD NOT BE TREATED AS SUCH. Anyway, you guys are great. Your reviews are like a breeze during a hot, muggy summer, and you people are making this my top viewed story ever!

Coming up with a dynamic for interaction between Pip and Alucard was difficult, as they never actually interact in the series. They appear in maybe one scene together, but never look at each other or exchange words. The same with Pip and Walter, and Pip and Integra. I'm beginning to wonder if he isn't Seras' imaginary friend...

Damn, should have written that.

I have tons more ideas, and it's good stay-inside-and-write weather, so I'll see all of you soon!

Tune in next time, when Pip and Seras go on a date, Alucard and Walter do some reminiscing, and Seras and Integra do a little bonding.

And, fine, Alucard lights something on fire too.


	5. Chapter 5: A night with Walter

_4:00 AM._

**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.**

"WAAAALLLLLTEERRRR!"

Walter folded the pillow over his head. Every day, he stayed up during the daylight hours to clean the house from top to bottom and organize Sir Integral's intricate and bizarre filing system. During the night, he stayed up to fix anything Alucard broke. Hence, Walter rarely got more than three hours of sleep, and he tended to treasure those three hours like gold.

**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.**

"WAH-HAH-HALLLLTERRRR!"

Walter thought to himself that perhaps ear protection would be a good investment. And perhaps some military grade sedatives. He knew a fellow from the CIA, maybe he could get some of their stock from MK-ULTRA.

**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK **_**CRUNCH.**_

Seras rushed in. "Walter, are you okay! I've been trying to reach you, but you must not have heard me, and I broke the door down by accident."

"_murble gurble nurg."_ Walter mumbled from under his blanket. "Goway."

"Walter, the wall in my room fell down!"

Walter sat up. "Why?"

"Because I was hammering on it."

Walter rubbed his eyes. "Again-why?"

"Because Master put cameras in my bathroom somewhere, and I was trying to find them by ripping down the walls, and then I tried to put them back up with nails, but I found out I couldn't do that, and then I started punching the walls because I was mad, and I forgot that I had super strength, and now my room is all shredded up." Seras let out in a stream of frustration. "And also I broke your door down because I forgot again. Sorry."

Walter rubbed his eyes and searched the bedside table for his monocle. "Seras, that's…just…_terrible._" Walter shuddered out of bed, put on a pair of slippers and stuck his monocle in. His normally well-kept hair stuck out in every direction and hung in his face. "Fine, Seras, show me what it looks like." Walter wrapped himself in a blanket, attempting to mimic the sensation of warmth.

A few minutes later, Walter squinted through the enormous hole in the wall. "Seras, how did you _accidentally_ rip a heavy brick wall out and throw it twenty-five meters?"

"Sometimes I do things by accident _hard._" Seras said. "Can't you just…take the cost of repairs out of my paycheck?"

"Well, conceivably. I'll do the paperwork and call the construction crew in the morning." Walter began to slide back to his room, Dalek-style, with the blanket over his head.

"Wait!"

"_What?"_ Walter hissed.

"Can I sleep in your room tonight? It'll be sunrise soon."

Walter blinked. "Seras, your room is perfectly adequate. There is no reason to invade my personal space."

"I know," Seras said, "But…there's a big hole in the wall and I can see the outside, so it's like camping, and I hate camping. An' it's dark and scary out there." The small vampire shuddered at the thought, despite being a much more fearsome creature than any squirrel or raccoon.

"Fine. Whatever. Don't make too much noise." Walter shuffled back to his room and slipped under the covers, folding the pillow over his head.

_._

Walter poked his head above the covers. "What _is _That!"

"Sorry, my spare coffin has sharp edges, and they squeak on the floor when I move it. My other coffin has rubber covers, but it's in a tree." Seras explained.

"In a…ergh. Good night, Seras."

"G'night, Walter!"

Walter settled in, finally ready to return to his dreams of a life in a normal, vampire-less household.

**BANG.**

_No._

**BANG BANG.**

Walter sat up again. "God _dammit."_ he got up again, slipped on his bunny slippers (red, with eight or nine eyes each) and immediately tripped over Seras' coffin.

"Oh, Walter, are you okay?" Seras opened her coffin lid just as Walter was getting back up, and hit him right under the chin. "OH MY GOD WALTER I'M SO SORRY!" She grabbed Walter by the arms in an attempt to help him up, before hearing a light "Cruch" sound from Walter's shoulder.

"_Aaaaaah."_ Walter hissed. He hit his shoulder back into place with his hand. "STOP HELPING ME." He staggered up the stairs to find whoever was doing the shooting.

**BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG **click click click click.

Integra simply dropped the gun on the ground and let out a long, constant scream. " Hi Walter. Whaddya up to?"

The wall in front of her was full of bullet holes. Walter quickly picked up Integral's pistol and put it into his bathrobe pocket. "Well, I'm not sleeping. Why are you shooting holes in the wall?"

"Mice."

"Ah."

"Mice were laughing at me."

"…..oh, really?" Walter responded. "That's unfortunate."

"it's because mice can _see_ me." Integra responded, parts of her face twitching. "Mice can see you naked, all the time, because they have X-ray vision. It's why they're always laughing. They're laughing at _you. Naked."_

"There is no part of that sentence that is true." Walter rubbed his eyes.

"Nope, it's true. They have X-ray eyes and they're laughing at my chest." Integra glared at the wall. "Alucard told me."

"Alucard also thinks that the oven works because of tiny men with flame throwers and that there are little green potato monsters in his teeth. He is so crazy that he couldn't tell a mouse from a forest on fire."

"Nuh uh, Alucard knows everything." Integra said.

"And who told you that?"

"Alucard."

"I see."

More parts of Integra's face began twitching, in directions that Walter didn't even know were possible. The neurotic knight began to open a window, and then stuck a leg out.

"Integra, please do not jump out that window. We are five floors up."

Integral frowned. "You say that like the ground can kill me."

Walter sighed. "The ground is full of…mice. More mice than in here. I'll send Alucard around to kill all the mice in a few hours. How does that sound?"

Integra breathed a sigh of relief. "Walter, can I have some tea? Alucard gave me some coffee and it isn't going down well. I wonder if he gave me enough…" Integra's hand, apropos of nothing, began to slap her in the head repeatedly, as if to say, "Time for my nervous system to go wonky."

"Sir Integral, how many cups of coffee did Alucard give you?"

"Eleventy-teen." Integra put her fist through the window. "Wheee!"

"That's…not a number, so I guess that means a lot. I'll have to have a talk with Alucard about what he puts in his coffee. Anyway, let's get you settled in with a nice warm glass of milk."

"Hey, Walter!" Integra interjected.

"What?"

"Guess what?" She said.

"What."

"Guess what?"

"What."

"Guess what?"

"Sir Integra-"

"Guess what?"

"Wh-" Walter began.

Integral collapsed on the floor, and began snoring loudly. Walter sighed. "Alright, let's get you to bed."

After tucking Integral in, Walter took a moment to survey the sleeping knight. "She looks so peaceful." He said. "Like a cat-they look so adorable when they're sleeping, but they're violent nutcases when they're awake." Walter sighed to himself again as he noticed the yellow light breaking outside.

After tramping downstairs to his dungeon apartment, Walter took care to step over Seras' coffin, then slipped under the covers. "Aaah, sweet warmth."

Poke.

Walter pulled the covers over his head, hoping that he was dreaming.

Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke Poke.

Walter pulled the covers down from his head, and screamed "WHAAAAT!"

Alucard looked miffed. "Geez, after all the stuff I did for you. Who do you think kept your bed warm?"

Walter pinched the bridge of his nose. "Alucard, you are colder than a stone. And this is my private, personal space! Get out!"

"I didn't get in there; that would be an invasion of your privacy. I just kept it warm." Alucard explained.

"How did-" Walter began. He sniffed. "I smell smoke."

The foot of Walter's bed roared up, smoke pouring from underneath. "And now I see fire."

Walter jumped up, then kicked Seras' coffin and screamed "ALUCARD HID THE CAMERA UNDERNEATH MY BED!"

"HRRAAAH!" Seras kicked the lid off her coffin. "GRAAAH!" She picked up the flaming bed, and broke it against the wall, stomping on it several times. "SERAS SMASH!". After putting out the fire, she yawned and got back into her coffin, eyes still closed.

Walter blinked a few times. "Alucard?"

"Mmyep?"

"I know I should still be mad at you for setting my bed on fire, but I am overcome with curiosity. First, did you really put cameras in Seras's room?"

"Oh yeah. I have Cameras in _everyone's_ room."

"So…does Seras normally sleep wearing nothing but a pair of socks?"

"Yep." Alucard nodded vigorously.

"Show me those tapes sometime and we'll call it even. Anyway, I have a job for you upstairs."

-line break-

Walter picked up the phone in the kitchen and handed it to Alucard. "Alucard, this is a strange and terrible world that we live in. in that strange and terrible world, live these creatures known as telemarketers. They call you and pretend it's something important, and then _**BAM!**_ your time has been wasted. I need you to answer the phone when they call and talk to them. Be yourself. Make sure they _never _call again."

"How long should I-"

"All damn day."

Walter walked into the other room, bathrobe and bunny slippers still the mainstay of his ensemble. "Moira?"

"Yes?" The irish headmaid answered.

"I'm going somewhere for a few hours. On super secret business. No one is supposed to know about it, so don't ask anyone. If I don't come back, know that I did _not _leave Alucard in charge no matter what he says."

Walter grabbed a pair of keys and a .38 caliber revolver from the table by the door, and wandered outside in the early morning light.

He came to a garage, which opened after he punched in a secret code that not even Integra knew. He turned on the lights, to reveal a huge vehicle with treads and an enormous flamethrower mounted on top-one of the famous Churchill Crocodile tanks, "Disappeared" from an offshore collection by Alucard in the 1950s.

Walter punched in the code on the keypad, unlocked the lock with his key, then climbed in and lay down on the floor.

"Ah." he said to himself. "Finally, some peace and quiet."

-line-

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I do not own Hellsing, the Churchill Crocodile, or the "List is too long" line from last chapter that I stole from Sons of Anarchy. Sorry.

Also, I'm sorry that this is the shortest chapter in a while, but it's kind of a preface to chapter six.

I know that I _said_ I would do some certain things this chapter, but…I didn't. bear with me, this is a two parter: A night in the life of Walter, and one day in Hellsing without Walter_. _

Should be fun.

Anyway, a long overdue thanks to VladLover, Falling towards descent, Dreaming of Dissent, Melzdog123, Maroongrad, Rikary, Ragnarok Warrior, Renada45, and FilleDeMarius. You guys are great!


	6. Chapter 6: A night without Walter

_Brriiiiiiiiiiiinnng!_

Alucard picked up the phone. "Hellsing residence."

"Hello. I'm a sales representative from "We-suc-itt" Vacuum company. Tell me, have you ever been forced to choose between using the bathroom and vacuuming? And how many times have you accidentally soiled yourself before you were able to make this important decision?"

"Not even once." Alucard replied. The dead do not poo.

"Well, fear not, precious consumer! Your caring and loyal vacuum company has the solution for you! Now, you never have to make that decision, with the new 'Shit-u-Vac'! now, you can shit _while_ you vacuum! You see, with the ingenious addition of a cleverly designed tube-"

"Did you know that I can smell your children from here?" Alucard interrupted.

"I…what?"

"And they smell _Goooood."_

"…_What!"_

"Your children. They smell delicious. It was a compliment, asshole." Alucard sniffed the air. "Your daughter, Loretta, is at school now? What is she, twelve? thirteen?"

"How did you-"

"You live in Houston, Texas. Your daughter goes to school there." Alucard's ability to read minds knew practically no boundaries, and it was actually easiest over the phone. "Did you know that she has a Tattoo?" Alucard asked. "Do you want to know where?"

"I…who are you? _what _are you!"

"Has your daughter ever seen a grown man naked, Mr. Johnson?"

"How did you…_WHAT!"_

"it can be arranged. I can do anything I want, Paul." Alucard made the telemarketer's computer flicker. "I know where you live. Do you know how people taste, Paul? _I DO."_

"PLEASE! I'LL DO ANYTHING YOU WANT!"

"Good." Alucard replied. "Don't call here again." the vampire thought for a few seconds. "Oh, and go photocopy your butt."

"Wh…why?"

"Because I damn said so."

The line went dead.

"Jeez." Alucard commented. "I was just trying to make a little conversation." He hung up the phone.

-line break-

"Pip. Walk with me." Integral grabbed Pip by his arm and led him down the hall. "I have jobs for you."

"The-who-what?" Pip was clearly hungover, and was trying his best not to show it, which only made it more apparent. "I..the what?"

Integra harrumphed. "I'm going out for a few hours. I have an important meeting to go to. Secret conspiracy that runs the world's media, that kind of thing. After that, I need to set some things up for the worldwide monster hunter's convention. It's our turn to host it this year, which means I have to deal with the current president of the board-an _American._" She shuddered. "Just because he's the first person to privatize vampire hunting doesn't mean he invented the wheel. I need Walter to find a way to keep Alucard from starting fights with everyone else. Where is Walter?" Integra asked. "Have you seen him?"

Pip paused as if in thought, then vomited into a sadly neglected houseplant.

"That's what I thought, somehow. Pip, there are some things I need you to do for me."

"I promise you, what I said on my resume was true. I am, in fact, a licensed female-only masseuse." Pip said, flexing his fingers.

"I need you to find Walter. Before you find him, I need someone responsible in charge of Hellsing while I'm gone. Find Vasily. He should be somewhere in the garden. And no, I'm afraid your "skills" in that arena will not be necessary today. Perhaps another time."

"Really?" Pip perked up.

"No."

"Dammit."

Integral opened a window. "Now, if you'll excuse me." she jumped out.

-line break-

Seras adjusted her wide-brimmed hat and sunglasses. She hadn't gotten the sleep that she so desired, and was forced to go out in painful daylight because Integral had a job for her. She sighed. Well, anything that got her closer to making her boss a more levelheaded and sane person. "Where is she, anyway?" Seras mumbled.

"BAAAAAANZAAAAAAIII!" Integra landed on Seras at great velocity.

"Ow!" Seras squeaked.

Integral got up, dusted herself off and straightened her suit. "Seras, I have a job for you."

"My brain hurts."

"Yes, quite. I need you to find Alucard, I've commanded him to transform into wolf form while Walter is away, and I need you to take him for walkies to calm him down."

"Okay. Sir Integra?"

"Yeppers?"

"You seem…focused today. Why?"

"Cocaine. Will that be all, Seras?"

"…what?"

Integral turned on a heel and walked away to the garage, completely unaware of the "Free Blowjob $5" sign Alucard had taped to her back.

Seras wandered into the living room, keeping away from the windows. "Master?"

"Arf." Alucard was huge, as a dog. He was roughly comparable to a pickup truck, except with slightly more muscles. And teeth. "Arf." he was chewing on something.

"Master! Is that nail polish?"

"_it's good, is what it is." _Alucard replied through telepathy.

"Master, this stuff will destroy your brain."

"_Do what now?"_ Doggycard was staring at a squirrel running across the lawn.

"Never mind. Sir Integra says I have to walk you for a few hours. Oh, and by the way? If something costs five dollars, it isn't free."

"_You win this time, __math.__"_ Alucard huffed.

Seras clipped a chain onto Alucard's collar. "Alright, let's go for a walk."

Almost immediately, Alucard lurched after the squirrel on the front lawn, dragging his powerless fledgeling behind him.

-line break-

Pip, not wanting to actually _enter_ the garden of death (as Integral's glorified breeding ground for rabid raccoons was known among the men) drew a Ruger 9mm and fired several rounds into the air. "VASILY!" he called out. "OL' FRIEND O'MINE! COME ON OUT!"

A poorly painted bush unfolded into a huge Russian, closer to seven feet than six, covered in twigs and glue. "TOVARISCH PIP!" He cried, picking up the small Frenchman and holding him tight in the truest of bear hugs. "Where are you being? I am not seeing you in whole times I am staying here. I am keeping records, but rabid raccoon is taking paper and pencils while I am sleep. I am not seeing you since that time in Australia! Remember? We are drinking gallons of wodka each, feasting on bunyip!" The excited Russian put his friend down. "We are needing to get away from garden full of raccoons. Is nots nice here."

Pip laughed. "The boss says you have to be in charge today. And you know what that means!"

"What, comrade Pip?"

"That it's time to get drunk and go cruising for women!" Pip cheered. "You can sign reports and stuff later. You have any idea where the wine cellar is?"

Vasily nodded. "I am seeing maps to basement of mansion. Is nice, many room for bear. You know where buying bear food in England is cheaps?"

Pip scratched his head. "The…pet store?"

Pip's friend, Andre, chimed in. "The pet store might have cute girls. What could be wrong with a girl who likes animals?"

"They could be veterinarians." Vincent said. "Remember my golden rule, guys."

"And what, pray tell, is Vincent's golden rule?" Pip asked.

"_Never_ fuck a Veterinarian. They're all either psycho bitches or lesbians. Think about it: why else would a woman go into a line of work where she knew she would get to castrate animals?"

Everyone shuddered.

"How much are you knowing about women, Comrade Vincent?" Vasily asked, apprehensive.

"The usual. They're connected to an alien queen that orbits the moon, and run on fossil fuels."

"I didn't know that." Andre nodded. "Makes sense, though."

"Is that being shrapnel stuck in your heads?" Vasily enquired, pointing to the piece of metal poking out of Vincent's skull.

"Who cares? LET'S GET WASTED!" He yelled.

"YEAH!" Every single mercenary threw their fist up in the air.

"GRAAAH!" Voytek, the 6', 500 pound bear, pumped his paw in the air, then ate a pawful of cigars.

-line break-

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Seras traveled down the road at high speed, occasionally bouncing against the firm gravel as Alucard ran after cars traveling at upwards of eighty miles an hour.

Did I say road? I meant highway.

"AAAAAH !" Seras slammed against several moving cars, ricocheting back and forth at a velocity high enough to destroy each one she hit, leaving their frames crushed against the tarmac like ants from the centrifugal force.

"ARF!" Alucard barked happily, finally catching up to the school bus filled with terrified children that he had been chasing for the last three hours.

The bus driver knocked out the front windshield with a sawed off baseball bat, then crawled through the broken glass. "Fuck all y'alls!" He shouted as he sprinted away. "I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE A DRIVER'S LICENSE, ANYWAY!"

Alucard screeched to a halt, sending Seras flying ahead of him and through the side of the bus, hitting several tons of broken metal and glass at incredible velocity.

The children inside were splattered with shreds of vampiric flesh and blood, traveling at a painful speed. Alucard, losing interest in the school bus at the sight of a deer by the side of the road, bounded off into the woods, leaving his shredded fledgling behind, slathered over the second-graders like undead jam.

"So _this_ is what PTSD feels like." a little girl, with Seras' severed head in her lap and a severed boob stuck to her backpack.

"Sorry!" The head said.

-line break-

"SHOW US YOUR TITS!" Andre screamed into the pet store, before vomiting onto the sidewalk and passing out in the doorway.

"I am being sorry for comrade; he is drink too much vodka." Vasily picked Andre up from the ground. "Are you having bear foods?"

The old woman behind the counter glared up at the huge, mildly drunk Russian. "I'm afraid it is currently illegal to own a bear in Britain. There's not an incredible demand."

"It is for…friend." Vasily said, his eyes darting back and forth. "Friend who is…working at zoo. They are not having enough money to feed bear properly, so I am get him bear foods as early Christmas gift."

"Mmm-hmm." She grunted slowly. "Of course. We don't have anything like that here, young man. Perhaps the butcher would be more accommodating."

"Thanks you." Vasily said. "Also, I am looking for group of friends. They are frenchies, and should be smelling of alcohols. They may have a vehicle of some kinds."

Suddenly, a grinding sound came down the road. The sound of crushing vehicles and screams of terror and orgasm could be heard, as well as a yelling old man. To match the sound, a huge and impressive WWII-era Tank ground its way through traffic, spurting fire everywhere, with scantily clad coeds and empty liquor bottles scattered across the tank's chassis and a roaring bear poking out of the top, running the flamethrower.

"Never minds, I am finding. Thanking you anyways." Vasily said, before running outside and jumping on the moving tank.

-line break-

"Awww! Nice puppy! Wait, no! that's a baby, not a treat! NO! NOT MY LEG! AAAAAAAAAAH!"

Alucard was having fun at the park.

"Hello? Is this the police? There's this dog in the park, see, and it's eating people. All of the people. I'm hiding under a picnic table. Yes, I am aware that fake police calls are frowned upon. Please, just come down here and-" click. "Dammit, don't hang up on me! Wait, no! NO! BAD DOGGY!"

Crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch.

Alucard was having a good time. Or at least he was, until all of the fun little humans were inside his stomach. He really needed to go on a diet sometime soon. Oh well, all that running around had made him tired. Maybe he'd just lie down for a rest…

-line break-

Six hours later….

"AAAAAAAAAAAH!" Walter clung to his blanket and pillow. "THIS IS A BAD DREAM THIS IS A BAD DREAM THIS IS A BAD DREAM!"

After the tank's flamethrower had run out of fuel, the mercenaries had simply driven it to the highway, through the guardrail, and onto the side of the road, where the tank's treads got clogged with shreds of the cars that had dared to cross it, and flipped onto its side. Undaunted, the Wild Geese got out and decided to host a party right then and there, slightly sparked by the presence of a bus full of young women from the local college, on a school trip to visit local beer breweries.

"GRAAAAH!" Voytek the soldier bear lit a huge cigar, before taking off into the night with not less than four lingerie-clad women in his arms, each one holding two bottles of booze each. Voytek hit the brakes on his Motorcycle, then screamed off into the night, shouting his dominance to the world.

"Hey, man, that's my motorcycle!" Andre said.

Vasily, passed out drunk, was draped over the flamethrower barrel, unconscious and draped in empty ammunition bandoliers.

Pip was holding a fully automatic Romanian RPK, braced against the unconscious bodies of two drunk, naked women, four drunk, naked mercenaries, and one peacefully sleeping goat.

"FUCK YOU…_**CARS!**_" He called out, before opening fire into the highway. The tarmac was chopped to pieces, as well as the few remaining upended, burning cars.

Walter slipped a cell phone out of a pair of pants hanging from a tree, and dialed Integra's number.

"Hmmmuh…" Integral was laid out, spread-eagled on someone's roof, nothing on but the radio and some socks. Something was buzzing.

She spat out the cell phone, and flipped it open. "Walter, never let me use cocaine again."

"Agreed." Walter said. "I promise to never leave the mansion alone for even a second again. I'll pull some strings to get this covered up. Where are you?"

"A mile or so from that pub in town, the one with the rock garden. I can meet you there."

"Good. I need a drink." Walter said.

Seras, covered in blood and very unhappy about it, stood and glared at Pip. "Oh! Hi, Walter. Thanks for helping me pull myself together; I don't know how master does that so easily."

"Practice makes perfect, Miss Victoria. Sir Integral will be meeting me in town. Would you be interested in coming along to the pub with us?"

"Very. I need a beer."

-line break-

"…Muh?" Alucard awoke, confused. He was still in dog form, but he had been squeezed into a cage some few sizes too small. There wasn't anyone to eat, and he felt annoyed, somehow.

"Good morning!" A tall, dark haired Japanese woman wearing surgical scrubs scratched Alucard under his chin. "The police found you in the park after getting some bogus emergency call, and sent you here to the pound. Fortunately, you were wearing your collar, so we were able to get in touch with your human, Sir Integral. She'll be picking you up tomorrow."

Alucard gnawed on the bars of the cage a little, wondering vaguely to himself how the Veterinarian in front of him would taste.

Maybe Doctor Sakaki noticed that Alucard was hungry, because she drew a biscuit from her pocket for the undead canine. Alucard happily crunched away at the treat, before noticing the needle in his shoulder.

The edges of his vision began to go fuzzy as the Vet petted Alucard's head. "Before we send you back, it's pound policy that you have to be Neutered. You won't miss them, I swear! It's just a little snip-snip, and then it's all over."

-_it'll be all over for __you__, when I get out of…here…-_ Alucard dozed off, thoughts of using a certain veterinarian as a chew toy after they grew back dancing in his head.

-line break-

"And then, and then, I said 'If everything's so fucking big in Texas, why haven't the alligators eaten all of the vampires by now?' and he said 'I'm not even from Texas!' so I punched him in the nose, and I don't remember anything after that." Integra, dressed in a bunny suit, made wild gestures to explain her story.

"I need to get home and clean myself off." Seras said, picking broken glass out of her hair and wiping a little bit of blood off of her gloves. "Walter, is there a spare uniform for me anywhere? This one is red now."

"Yes, Miss Vic-Seras. We had a large surplus of them printed up, back when there were more females in Hellsing. I'll dig one out for you today so you'll have it tomorrow night." he shook his head. "Planning around vampire schedules is hard. I'm going to go down to the kitchen and start hounding the staff to prepare breakfast, after I get into some decent working clothes." Walter dusted off his bathrobe, and headed down the stairs.

"I'm heading to the ladies' locker room. G'day, Sir Integra!"

"Good night, Seras. I mean, day. Say, Seras?"

"Yes, Sir Integra?"

"Would you…consider coming with me in a few weeks when I have to meet with the foreign vampire hunting coalition? Alucard doesn't get along with anyone, and Walter needs to stay here."

"Sure!" Seras chirped, glad to be making progress with Walter's 'Make Friends With Integra' Plan. "What, uh, am I gonna be doing there?"

"Mixing my drinks, mostly. Good day, Seras." Integral disappeared into her bedroom.

Seras sighed a little. She walked down to the Women's locker room, trying to think of ways to convince Walter to let her wear a different uniform. Maybe something with pants this time…

Being naturally cold, Seras found she was far more affected by hot showers than she used to be. She was warmed to her very core, and she could feel her veins swelling for blood that wasn't there. For a few minutes, it made her feel warm like a human again.

This was part of why Seras was glad to have the women's locker room to herself. She was the only woman in Hellsing's employ, and Sir Integral had her own facilities. Apart from Alucard's admittedly terrifying decision to store his pet alligator in the ladies' locker room, Seras was alone in there.

She was actually a little surprised when she wasn't accosted by the twenty-foot reptile; perhaps her Master had finally listened to Integra and put him somewhere else.

Seras shut off the shower and stepped out, toweling her hair off. Something seemed different about the locker rooms…oh well, not important.

Seras turned the bend to fetch her bathrobe from her locker, and came face to face with two things:

First, the realization that she had wandered into the wrong locker room.

Second, Walter. Walter with no clothes.

In retrospect, she could have reacted better than screaming and running in the opposite direction screaming "Wrinkly! Wrinkly!" But that was the best she had at the time.

**AUTHOR'S NOTE:**

I do not own Hellsing, Azumanga Daioh, or any alligators. I do own the Shit-u-Vac, however, and the vaccuum companies should be getting back to me any day now.

Now that we've got that out of the way, I have some things to say.

Longest chapter yet! Kind of my apology in advance. I won't be able to update quite regularly in the months to come, due to college existing. I'll definitely write more, but I don't know how often. I'll try to make the chapters extra long to compensate.

I still have a lot of ideas, and I love writing this story, so I will continue to write for this as much as possible for the foreseeable future.

I want to thank my reviewers, for making the story happen-without feedback, I don't get a feel for the story. Every review makes the story better, because it lets me see it from someone else's point of view, or someone's point of view that's changed. it's great, and I never really appreciated that until I started writing fan fiction.

A fond thank you to everyone who has reviewed, and I'll see you next time.


	7. Chapter 7: Flying high

**PREFACE: **I do not own Jack Daniels, the United States of America, Freedom Arms, Hellsing, Thanksgiving, or Mr. Clean. Flint is based on a real person, and that is all I will say.

-**START-**

Walter strode briskly yet carefully across an expensive red and white carpet that had once upon a time been simply an expensive white carpet. "Alucard, why is…what-what is this and why is it on the carpet?"

Alucard shifted his jaunty beret to the other side of his head. "It's not on the carpet, it's on the ceiling."

"it's…" Walter stared at the unspeakable abomination plastered across the ceiling. "What in…I don't believe I have seen anything that horrible since WWII. What is that and what did you do to make it?"

"I've decided to be an _Artiste._" Alucard said proudly. "I found some dead rats in the basement, and there was a blender in the kitchen that expressed my creativity with proper enthusiasm, as long as it didn't have a cap. And now, for the final touch!" he reached for the ceiling fan switch just as Seras walked in.

"Hey, Master, can I borrow your-" **SPLAT-SPLAT-SPLAT-SPLAT-SPLAT.**

"Alright, _this_ is the worst thing I've ever seen now." Walter blinked powerlessly while he wiped rat guts from his monocle. "Mistress Victoria, are you-"

"Waaah-hah-hah-hah! Master, why are you so mean?" Seras looked vaguely like a lump of werewolf vomit. "And crazy! _why are you so god damn crazy!_" Seras wandered off, yelling incoherently.

"I'm not crazy-it's just that everyone else can't see the leprechauns." Alucard stuffed his beret into the blender, and tossed it out the window, where it made a satisfying "Clunk" sound as it hit a raccoon. "Art is boring now. Time to start cleaning up this delicious, ratty mess."

"You just did this to mess with Miss Victoria, didn't you." Walter asked.

"And you. A man's got to have a hobby." Alucard picked up one end of the rug and started chewing on it. "Oh, delicious expensive rug. I've always wanted an excuse to eat you."

"Every day I spend with you is another day my brain wants to kill itself." Walter took off his bathrobe, to reveal a plastic-lined backup bathrobe.

"RrrrrrrRRRRRrrrrr." Seras growled at the rat gunk being washed down the shower drain, trying to pry chunks of rat flesh out of her hair. "I hate you, master." the beleaguered Draculina spat out a rat foot. "I wonder where Integra is…"

"I GREET YOU WITH THE TRADITIONAL GESTURE OF MY PEOPLE!"

"The whaAAAAAAH" Seras screamed as Integral, clad in chaps, a rawhide vest and a cowboy hat, spinning jump kicked her way through the glass shower door.

"Hoo-AAH!" Integra shouted, punching a hole in the linoleum. "Cocaine is AWESOME."

"He..hello? I'm naked in here! And now covered in broken glass!…ow!"

"Huh?" Integra looked down. "Police girl, you're naked. And covered in glass. That's no way to meet foreign businessmen. Unless they're into that kind of thing."

"I have to do what now? What's going on?" Seras shook some of the glass out of her hair. "Why the hell are you dressed as a cowgirl?"

"Cocaine. Also, we're going to be meeting an American later, and this is how they dress."

"I…don't think that's actually the case."

"I don't pay you to _think, _Police girl. In fact, I don't pay you at all. _So don't think! _Also, breathe into this." Integral held a chloroformed rag to the glass-coated, nude vampire's face.

_-_**LATER-**

Integral shuddered, and not just from the bumpy dirt road. "Do you have even a single tape in here that's not Country?"

"I'm not at all sure I understand. We got both kinds of music here in the Flint-mobile: Country, and Western." Flint was a shabby-looking American, unshaven and somehow able to fit about two feet of dark hair underneath a bullet-ridden cowboy hat. He had no talents besides a vague sort of inventiveness and a confidence that bordered on idiocy, and spent his live bouncing from one get rich quick scheme to the next, fueled by bad ideas and regular doses of Jack Daniels.

He had also made close to 90 million dollars in the past four years or so, due to starting Pest Control International, a global corporation that destroyed a nation's vampires for a sizeable fee. He had recently been elected president of the ISST (International Society of Supernatural Troubleshooters), a global board of stuffy old rich dudes who handled various Paranormal problems. Sir Integral Hellsing was the previous president of the board, which understandably led to conflict.

"I hate you." Integral gave him a death glare, which looked much less imposing than she probably would have intended. She had been without alcohol, without cigars, and without Walter's guidance for almost a day, and the general effect was less "Hardened commander of undead-slaying forces" and more "Grumpy bunny rabbit".

"Aw, shucks, you don't mean that."

"I am going to kill you." Integra made a choking gesture with her hands. "And your weird car sucks. It smells like vomit and barbeques gone wrong."

"And what should I do in the bed of a pickup truck?" Flint queried, raising an eyebrow.

"Pick up the what?" Integral shuddered. "Why is it so cold here? Why don't you have air conditioning? I thought we were going to a meeting."

"We are."

"When?"

"Sometime." he responded. "What's up with your secretary? Are you sure she's okay back there?"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Seras rolled around the truck's bed, banging her head regularly on a cardboard box filled with empty beer bottles. "WHY DO I HAVE TO RIDE BACK HERE!"

"Police Girl is fine. She just likes to complain. Where are we? Because it looks suspiciously like the middle of bumfuck nowhere."

"Be careful now-I grew up around here." Flint said.

"Just as I thought. Is there a point to driving nine hours in the woods?"

"Yep." Flint really popped his 'p' sounds.

"What? What is it?"

"I'm outta gas."

**-SOME TIME AGO-**

-**NOW**-

"Wait…we're stuck here." Integra said unbelievingly.

"I needed to see someone back here at the old neighborhood. I thought you might like to come along." Flint deadpanned.

"_WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT!_" Integra shouted.

"He has fuel."

"Wait…really?"

"Well, Ol' Porcupine Joe's moonshine is certainly strong enough to be used as fuel. I spilled some in the bed of my pickup once, and it ate right through."

"Seras, did you remember to bring my hip flask? I'm going to want some of this." Integra said.

"Yes, Sir Integra." Seras jumped out of the pickup bed, rubbing the bump on her head from where she had repeatedly bumped into an old bottle of Seagram's.

Flint rooted around under the truck's seat, pulling out a .454 Freedom Arms revolver and a box of varied half-empty liquor bottles.

"Why the mohaska?" Seras asked.

"Bears."

"Why the booze?" Integral asked.

Flint looked at the British ladies askance. "You don't expect me to be found in the middle of the woods at night _sober,_ do you?" He walked off in a direction that appeared to be chosen for its huge amount of prickers.

"I like this guy." Integral said.

-**LINE BREAK-**

Walter crossed "Tofurky" off the list. "Alucard, you spent some time in America."

"It is entirely possible that what you just said was true." Alucard placed six more containers of Mr. Clean in Walter's shopping cart. "What the hell is tofurky?"

"It's like turkey, but for people who don't eat meat."

Alucard scratched his head. "That's fucked up. Why wouldn't they eat meat? A gypsy curse?"

Walter sighed. "Because some people don't like that animals…it's a gypsy curse."

"I knew it!" Alucard said.

"Anyway, what do you know about Thanksgiving?" Walter asked.

"There were…like…dudes in hats." Alucard said. "And Indians. Man, I miss the days when you were allowed to hunt people. I keep telling you, it solved the gypsy problem in my country…"

"Alucard, there is no 'gypsy problem.' they're just people who are trying to live their lives. We went through this when you threw water on those Goths."

"I still don't understand why they didn't melt." Alucard took a swig from a container of Mr. Clean. "Why do we have to send that stupid American food anyway? He replaced my master. I keep saying, we should have killed him."

"Because it's a nice thing to do, and because you're not allowed to just kill whoever you want anymore." Walter glanced at the cart. "Why is there so much Mr. Clean in here?"

"Because it's nice and poisonous, and I'm going to put it in Anderson's turkey." Alucard suddenly pole vaulted over the aisle and ran off in a different direction.

Walter sighed. He had sworn to himself never to bring Alucard out into the public eye the last time that the 600 year old lunatic picked up a newspaper and shouted "Look, Walter, they're letting jews vote now!". However, Walter was old. And Seras wasn't there to put all the groceries in Walter's car, so he defaulted to the next person with super-strength.

Alucard hopped back over the aisle, with a crying child under his arm. "Back in the old country, we used to give children as gifts on special holidays!"

"But…why?" Walter asked.

"Because it's much easier to raise a wife than it is to find one. Help me put this one in a bag so the parents can't find it."

"HEY!" a huge man shouted from across the supermarket. "YOU STOLE MAH DAUGHTER!"

Alucard shot him.

"I hate you, you know that?"

"Yes." Alucard tossed the little kid to Walter, then got in the shopping cart and rode it down the aisle.

-**LINE BREAK-**

"This isn't Squirrel Joe's home." Integral said. "I mean, not unless he lives in an airport parking lot."

"is _that_ where we are." Flint said, taking one last swig from a bottle of gin.

"I thought you knew where this guy lived."

"I did. But then I got drunk." Flint responded. He drop-kicked the empty box of liquor bottles into the hood of someone's car. "Boo-yah! Fuck you, _car!_"

"I second the motion." Integral said. "Caddy, my golf club."

"I'm not your caddy, Sir Integra-" Seras started.

"I told you what you must call me."

"Alright, _Master's Master,_ I'm not your caddy, and I didn't bring any fucking golf clubs." Seras said. "I brought alcohol mixing equipment, because that was absolutely the only thing in your suitcase. You don't have the right to expect these things of me."

"You're absolutely right." Integra said. "Close your eyes."

"Wh-fine." Seras sighed, doing as she was told. "Happy now?"

Integral grabbed Seras by the ankles, jumped on top of the same car Flint was punching, and began smashing the vampire into the sides of the car like a human club. "FUCKING CARS!"

-**LINE BREAK-**

"LEMME OUT!" Alucard shouted.

"Alucard," Walter said patiently, "If I let you out of the trunk, will you steal any more children?"

"Of course I will! I mean, uh…no." Alucard replied. "No, of course I won't. Stealing children is…wrong."

"Alucard, are your fingers crossed behind your back?" Walter asked.

"Nope!"

"Fine." Walter sighed, popping the trunk.

Alucard jumped out, then threw a handful of severed fingers at Walter. "Ha! I wasn't crossing _my_ fingers!" Alucard grabbed a butterfly net and ran into the mall. "C'mere, you sticky little pricks! You're going fedex, motherfuckers!"

"I hate him." Walter grabbed a .50 caliber rifle from the backseat. "_Why was he carrying around a bunch of severed fingers!_"

-**LINE BREAK-**

"HEY! YOU CAN'T FUCKING DO THAT!" A large police officer yelled.

"AND WHY EXACTLY THE HELL NOT!" Flint shouted, kicking in another car's windshield.

"BECAUSE I HAVE A GUN!" the cop yelled, pointing a semiautomatic at Flint's head.

"Oh, really? BECAUSE MINE IS BIGGER!" Flint quick drew the .454 in his coat, and shot at the cop.

"This is such a good idea!" Integral said, firing at the cop's car.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Screamed Seras, whose face was now full of glass.

-**LINE BREAK-**

"Excuse me, which store is the Fire Store?" Alucard asked.

"Um…the what?" The food court clerk asked.

"You know, the fire store. The store where you buy the fire." Alucard answered reasonably.

The food court guy stared blankly. "The what? Hey, is that a bag of children?"

Alucard sighed and placed the squirming child-bag on the ground next to him. "See, I need to buy some fire, and I need to find somewhere to buy the fire. A fire store, for example. Where is the fire store?"

"I'm afraid that I don't know where the fire store is, sir. Perhaps you would be interested in-" Alucard tore the man's head off, then punted it into a crowd. "Fucker." Alucard cursed. "Doesn't anyone know where the fire store is?"

-**LINE BREAK**-

"THIS WAS A BAD IDEA!" Integral shouted, driving her stolen monster truck into a cop car at incredible speed.

"THIS WAS AN AWESOME IDEA!" Flint shouted from the roof, firing at the screaming security guards running from the Hickmobile's glorious might.

"AAAAAAH! I AM NOT A HOOD ORNAMENT! AAAH!" Seras screamed, desperately trying to pry herself free from the Hickmobile's hood.

-**LINE BREAK-**

"I FOUND THE FIRE STORE!" Alucard shouted, lighting the mall's walls on fire with balls of fire thrown from a jar.

"Come back and buy some more fire from us anytime!" A dark haired man in tweed waved to Alucard. "Next time, you'll qualify for our frequent consumer discount!"

"BUUURRRRRRN!" Alucard screamed to the heavens, threatening the Olympian gods with mortal combat simply by virtue of his existence.

"Yes, that's usually what they say." the shopkeeper said.

-**LINE BREAK**-

"Run!" Flint called out, wounded, out of ammunition and pants, and surrounded by police officers. "Save yourselves, I'll hold them off!"

Integral slung Seras over her shoulder. "I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU AND YOUR SACRIFICE!" she ran into the airport, traveler's checks in one hand and pistol in the other.

The gonzo knight turned to her subject Seras. "What was that guy's name again?"

"I can't remember, my brain is full of glass." Seras said.

"And all I have to remind myself of this heroic day are these truck nuts* I stole from that monster truck. Oh, hey, there's cocaine in this!"

"What's the next flight to the UK?" Integral asked the desk clerk, parts of her face twitching in different directions.

"Uh…ten minutes from now, there's a flight to Northhampton. Will that do?"

"Yes. I would like to declare my luggage." Integral plopped a burlap sack on the customs table.

The security guard sifted through Integra's burlap sack. "Sir…"

"Ma'am." Integra said. "I'm a woman."

"Ma'am…"

"But you have to call me Sir."

"Sir, there's a live woman in this sack." The security guard said.

"I have brain glass!" Seras chirped happily.

"I have a permit for that." Integral said.

"And this Browning forty-caliber?"

"And that." Integral stated coolly.

"And this jackhammer-powered 18-inch dildo?"

"That too."

"Sir, why do you need these weapons?" The security guard said.

"So that I can shoot terrorists." Integral responded reasonably.

"That makes sense. But you should really mail these nail clippers to yourself." the security guard said. "Those things are dangerous."

"Will do!" Integral saluted.

-on the plane, after Seras picked out all her brain glass-

"So….int…Master's Master." Seras said.

"I am she." Integral snorted some cocaine off a pair of truck nuts.

"Let's play a travel game! Know any good ones?"

"Yep." Integra said. "it's called 'do cocaine.' I'll show you how to play it." she snorted some more.

'_try to socialize with her, try to socialize with her,'_ Walter's voice said in Seras' head. "Uh, um, how about we do this: I'll tell you one thing about myself, and you tell me one thing about yourself!"

"Whatever." Integral sniffed, wiping a little cocaine off of her nose.

"I'll start! I was, uh…Pumpkin is my favorite kind of pie!"

"When I was 14," Integral said, "I lost both of my nipples in a freak turkey carving incident."

"Uh…" Seras stammered. "I like kitties!"

"I've only ever had one boyfriend in my life, and he left me because he figured out I was a woman and not a really effeminate man." Integra said. "You go."

"Uh…When I was little, I had an imaginary friend named pickles, who was a cat." Seras tried to salvage the situation.

Integral stared forward as the cocaine started to kick in, then deadpanned "I have a reoccurring nightmare that I'm naked in a pit of live, sentient penises, all of which have mouths and teeth, and they are eating me alive."

"Uh…" Seras stammered. "Let's play a new game, now."

"I have a game!" Integra said cheerily.

"Oh, good." Seras sighed.

"It's called," Integra kicked over her chair and drew a huge bowie knife from her boot, "NIPPLE COLLECTOR!" As the cocaine started doing its job, Integra began swiping at people's chests with her knife. "I'M GOING TO COLLECT ALL YOUR NIPPLES!"

"Oh _shit."_ Seras said.

-**LINE BREAK-**

"Fire! Fire! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Alucard cackled.

Walter shot Alucard in the head. "Please do stop that racket." Walter gazed around himself at the firey ruins of the mall around him. "Oh dear. I can see where this would be a problem."

-**MEANWHILE, UP IN THE AIR-**

"I'm going to take your position as pilot, AND YOUR NIPPLES!" Integral shouted, making chopping motions at the pilot.

"You know what? Fuck this." He said, grabbing a parachute and jumping out the window. "I WASN'T EVEN A LICENSED PILOT, ANYWAAAAAAAY!"

"How does that guy keep doing this shit?" Integra wondered. She stared at the controls. "Wow, this is more complicated than it looked."

Walter squinted out the window. "Is that a plane headed towards us?"

**CRASH!**

"Well, this is another fine kettle of fish you've gotten me into." Integral said, crawling out from under some rubble.

"I have brain glass again!" Seras chirped.

-**LINE BREAK-**

Flint put a cigar stub in his mouth dramatically as he leaned against the wreckage of his monster truck, with eight or nine bullet holes in him and two dozen cops circling his location with Assault Rifles.

"It's just like my gran'pappy used to say." Flint said. "Sometimes, you fuck the bear in the ass. And sometimes, the bear fucks you in the ass."

"I have truly never heard anyone say that before." one of the cops stated flatly.

"And sometimes," Flint said, lighting his cigar stub with a lit stick of dynamite, "You_ explode the bear._"

-**AUTHOR'S NOTE-**

I swear, Integra gets weirder every time I write her. Anyway, It's been a while. I'm in the swing of writing things in a more academic fashion at the moment, which is why this is longer than normal. I'm really sorry I haven't been updating as regularly as I used to, but I get a particularly long winter break so you can expect a few more updates come mid-December.

Flint is based on a real person, and that's all I can say about that. You can think of him as being an American version of Vasily, if that helps.

I'd like to thank Kaitaru Seras Viktoria Hatake(nice name), LadyZuRii, Demon Raily, Ragnarok Warrior, Fish and Chipz, Maroongrad, and Dreaming of Dissent, as well as all my past reviewers and everyone who's taken the time to read my story. Your feedback makes my story better, as well as my writing in general.

I hope that all of you who celebrate thanksgiving had a happy one.

See you in December.


	8. Chapter 8: smoke smoke smoke

**FOREWORD:** I do not own Hellsing, broccoli, fire, LSD, or College. I do own Alucard's method of disposing of garbage, though.

Seras and Integral moved slowly up the staircase to Integral's chambers, dragging a huge chest full of ammunition (Integral's Christmas gift from Walter) up the stairs.

"I was thinking, 'why just patch up the hole Alucard left if I can just build around it?' and that's when I decided to put in an elevator."

"Is that such a good idea?" Seras asked. "The last elevator just disappeared mysteriously in the night, didn't it?"

Integra shrugged. "I'm rich."

"You've been really good about not drinking alcohol or smoking cigars this holiday season." Seras changed the subject. "I really thought you were going to do some damage. What are you going to do, sir He…Integra?"

"Go upstairs to my room, fill up my bong until it runneth over, and then get absolutely mother fucking stoned as shit." Integra sighed. "After you finish doing everything on the list, please come up to my room with some brownies. Good evening, Seras."

"Good evening, Integra." Seras started to walk down the hall as Integral went upstairs. "Waaaaiiit a second." Seras said. "Did you say bong?"

"Yes, bong. As in, for marijuana." Integral clarified.

"Isn't that stuff, y'know, bad for you?"

Integral laughed. "No, Seras, weed comes from the earth. Like broccoli. It must be good for you if it's a plant, right?"

"Uh…" Seras scratched her head. "Isn't poison sumac a plant?"

"You say that like you assume I haven't tried to smoke poison sumac." Sir Integral cocked an eyebrow.

-_Oh, shit.-_ Seras thought to herself. "Where are you even getting pot from?"

"The garden." Integra responded. "I trained the raccoons to grow it for me."

"Uhhhhh…." Seras frowned. "Something about that doesn't make sense."

"I get it." Integra said. "What's in it for them?"

"That's…not what I was thinking of."

"They skim a little off the top and sell it on their own time. I don't really have a problem with that, as long as they make sure it can't be traced back to me." Integra explained.

"The raccoons are dealing drugs." Seras said. "Raccoons. These are the same raccoons that have rabies, right?"

"You've got it!" Integra said. "Boy, you are a sharp cookie. Speaking of which, I'll need some cookies, too. And maybe a hamburger."

"…Integra, are you stoned right now?" Seras asked.

Sir Integral stared Seras in the face for two or three minutes. "…What? I'm sorry, what were we talking about?"

-line break-

"Uhh." Walter rubbed his head. In order to distract Sir Integral from drinking this holiday season, he had asked Pip and the Wild Geese to do something with all of the alcoholic beverages at the Christmas party. In retrospect, that had been a poor choice of words.

The French mercenaries drank their fill, then began tearing down the red and green wallpaper and decorations before climbing and swinging from the ridiculously oversized pine tree Alucard had cut a hole in the ceiling to fit. Then, one of them tried to swing from a chandelier, crashed it, and set the new rug on fire. The fire brigade had to be called, Seras had to be extinguished, and Sir Integral had a light nervous breakdown. Christmas night, Walter made tea for the Hellsing household in an attempt to calm everyone down, not knowing that Alucard had spiked the teabags with LSD.

That was the last Walter remembered of the holiday season before waking up in a trashed mansion with "HAPPY NEW YEAR" burned into the front lawn. The place would take ages to clean, and-

"Done." Alucard walked down the hallway and patted Walter on the back. "I cleaned up."

"Alucard, I realize that you consider sweeping what's left of your ratsicles under the carpet to be 'helping.' but you must understand that 'cleaning' means something very, very different."

Alucard looked offended. "Sweep my delicious ratsicles under the carpet? Never! They taste their best with floor-garnish."

"Alucard, I don't have time for…" Walter opened the double doors to Hellsing's huge living room, expecting to see a bare-walled, fire-scorched post party wallpaper massacred mess, and found everything as it had been before the holidays.

"Alucard, how did you…is that a new chandelier?"

"And rug. And new wallpaper. I took the liberty of choosing Integra's favorite color, forest green."

"Well, I'm sorry for doubting you, old friend. How did you get rid of all the garbage?"

"That's a secret." Alucard winked.

-line break-

"Do you smell something?" Seras said. "Kind of like burning garbage."

"Seras!" Integra said, offended. "This is primo shit!"

Seras and Integra laid back on the sofa in Integra's lounge, propping their feet up on Integra's new silver-lined ammo chest. Integra had almost immediately pulled out a five-foot bong from under the couch, then poured an entire .50 caliber ammo can's worth(Integra kept all her weed in ammo cans) of weed into the bong's huge mouth.

"I guess it's just my" -cough- "Untrained palate. So, what did you want to show me?"

"Oh, yeah." Integra pulled out a book from under the sofa cushions. "I found this a while ago. See, I went to college a little early, and I liked the idea of creating a photo album based on my time there."

"Huh." Seras said. __, Walter's voice said in her head.

"This is me when I first got there! I swore I'd never start drinking." Integra turned the page. "This is me at the drunken topless apple pie eating contest, a month later."

"Holy shit." Seras said. "What is that in your hair?"

"Dead rabbit. I kept being assaulted by coyotes for it, but I think I read somewhere that it attracted men. Didn't work."

"That makes sense." Seras said.

"This is me setting off fireworks in the football field. And this is me running from security."

"Is that a cowboy hat?" Seras asked.

"This is me when I fell in the lake. That's me dancing with a road sign at a party. I don't remember where I found it."

"is _that_ where the road sign on the ceiling came from."

"Yep. College trick, blocks the smoke detector. And here's me at a party! Don't I look like I'm having fun?"

"You look like you couldn't dance, got drunk and passed out in the corner." Seras deadpanned.

"That's…just how I have fun." Integra said. "Lots of people have fun that way. I'm not weird. How did you have fun in college?"

"You mean at the police academy?" Seras asked. "I shot at things."

"Yeah." Integra said. "I…kind of did something like that."

"Aren't you not allowed to bring guns on campus these days?" Seras asked.

"Yeah, but the guy I was target practicing with early in the morning outside of our dorm needed it for his work."

"What did he do?" Seras asked.

"Drug dealer."

"What kind of school did you go to?" Seras asked.

"The unnecessarily expensive kind. Look, here's me, studying!"

"You look drunk."

"I had an unusual study plan. Every time I wrote a paragraph, I took a drink. It was genius, I don't know why the professors didn't like my work. Why, it's practically artistic to take a medieval history paper and insert a debate about which monkey is the best kind of monkey."

"I'm sure it went over well. Is that Master?" Seras pointed.

"Yep! He came with me to college around Halloween. He was part of my costume. I dressed up as a vampire and he dressed up as a vampire hunter." Integra pointed to another picture. "Here's some guy touching my boob. And then here's Alucard, murdering him with a tire iron." Integra chuckled. "That wacky Alucard!"

"Wow. Uh…wow. So you started drinking at college?"

"What?" Integra asked. "Nope. Who waits until then? I still remember: my father sat me down at the kitchen table and said 'Timmy, your mother's dead. You're eight, and it's time for you to be a man now. Here's your scotch.' Timmy was his nickname for me. I think."

Seras shuddered. "That's a little harsh."

"Nah, it built character. Just like when I was four and told him there was a monster in the closet. He gave me a shotgun and locked me in the closet for two days."

"Two _days_?"

Integra shrugged. "He forgot to let me out. It happens. Nobody can think of _everything._"

"I'm…starting to understand a few things, now."

"Oooh!" Integra pointed to another picture. "This is me having my first sexual experience!"

Seras squinted. "Sir Integra, that's a wooden Indian outside of a cigar store."

"_Shit._" Integra said.

"Seriously, I smell burning garbage. Do you smell burning garbage?" Seras looked around.

"I don't smell anything. I had a thing happen to my face insides when I was younger and put like twenty raisins up my nose."

Seras stifled a giggle. "Really? When you were a little kid?"

"No, here, when I was in college." Integra pointed. "You can't turn down a double-dog dare."

"Seriously, something's burning. I have vampire senses, I can tell. I'm gonna go downstairs and see what it is." Seras got up, opened the door and screamed "Holy shit! The fucking stairs are on fire!"

"No, _your_ stairs are on fire!" Integra said. "Wait, what is that a euphemism for?"

"It's a euphemism for the _fucking stairs being on fire!"_ Seras shouted. She leaned out the window. "HELP! SOMEBODY! FIRE!"

"Why doesn't anyone like the way I clean? Why must society keep oppressing me with its unattainable standards?" Alucard asked Walter.

"Alucard, I have spend my whole life without cleaning a room by pulling all the garbage into the hallway and lighting it on fire. I do not consider it an unattainable standard."

"Well I guess I'm just too much of a rebel to do what the man tells me to do, _man._" Alucard sniffed.

Alucard noticed police girl leaning out of a window, screaming something at him. Well, she could just get down from the burning building her own bloody self.

Alucard thought he remembered teaching police girl to fly. It's not like it was hard, or anything.

"Now, hold on to my waist. I'm going to fly us out of here." Seras said.

"You can fly? That's so bitchin'." Integra said.

"No, but there's a first time for everything." Seras pushed her fists out like superman. "_Fly."_

"I'm holding on! Let's go!" Integra said, her bong and an assault rifle strapped to her back.

"OkayAAAH." Seras slapped at Integra's hands. "Those are not handholds, Sir Integra! I said waist! Waist is a little lower!"

Walter looked around. "I wonder where Integra is. She went off with Seras this morning, right?"

Alucard shrugged. "I don't remember the last thing I said, let alone this morning."

"!" Seras and Integra crashed through the highest window in the mansion, did a loop-de-loop, then landed ass over teakettle in a shrub.

"I solved the mystery." Alucard said.

"Yes, thank you, _dumbass_." Walter said. "SIR INTEGRA! ARE YOU ALRIGHT!"

"YEP!" she called back. "I LANDED ON THUNDER-TITS HERE, SO I'M OKAY!"

"I'll show you thunder-tits…." Seras grumbled.

-**AUTHOR'S NOTE-**

**Whelp, sorry I was so late with this one. And sorry it's so short. **

**I was planning on doing a huge Christmas special, but didn't get it finished in time. Next year, guys. **

**And don't worry, this story isn't even close to being dead. I've got lots more ideas, and I promise I'll publish at least one chapter per school break. Speaking of which, I'm not sure if I should admit to this, but about 95% of the things Integra did? That was me. College is giving me Integra habits.**

**Thanks for reading, and thanks to Demonraily, maroongrad, ragnarok warrior and trigger happy chain gunner for reviewing the last chapter. **

**I'll see you all in march!**

**Probably!**


	9. Chapter 9: Primary focus

**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own Hellsing, fire, the pepsi-cola corporation, the Koch brothers, or any dinosaur tentacle zombies to the best of my knowledge, although the concept is all mine, as is Felipe Estoban the banjo-playing luchadore sasquatch. Vasily belongs to SFTiki.

-line break-

"Six months and it's still fucking raining." Walter sighed.

The once-proud Hellsing mansion had been built in 1896 by vampire slave labor, used to smuggle premium liquor to America in the 1920s, lit on fire by Alucard in 1936, was the location used by the council of twelve to plan World War Two, was lit on fire again by Alucard in 1952, and once and for all burned to the ground by Alucard six months ago.

The Hellsing mansion had been reduced from 120 rooms, 8 secret passageways, 4 concealed anti-aircraft turrets and a helipad to a shoddy shelter made from glued-together empty beer cans in the shape of four pillars and a tarp, placed in the middle of the blackened wreckage of the Hellsing family home.

Large, mutated raccoons roamed the land, eating smaller animals and sexually assaulting any human they came across. To add to the problem, it had turned out that Alucard had been breeding rats in his basement to pass the time, and the two different breeds of large, mutated animal had spent the first three months in a kind of brutal range war across the Hellsing family's 400 acres, and the last three months breeding with each other to create a new race of horrible hell monsters.

The British government had refused to bail the Hellsing family out, so Pip, the Wild Geese and Vasily were being rented out to Integra's old frenemy Flint McGint's privatized vampire hunting firm. The staff had all left screaming after the first five or six were eaten alive by the RatCoons. Walter remained, primarily for reasons of loyalty. Loyalty, and he now had close to a year of back pay owed him.

Alucard had left after two months to go to America and try a couple of get rich quick schemes, and they had not heard from him since. Walter secretly wondered if Alucard had actually tried to swim there and gotten eaten by sharks.

In short, the Hellsing family had seen better days.

Speaking of which…

"The last cookie is mine! MINE!" Sir Integra was choking Seras, who was kicking her repeatedly in the shins. "I FOUND THEM IN THAT DUMPSTER, THEY'RE MINE!" Seras picked Integra up, twirled her around and tossed the neurotic knight into one of the beer can pillars, knocking down Walter's precious tent enclosure.

"Yeah, take that!" Seras shouted. "Oh, sorry Walter. You okay?"

Walter wrapped himself in the shower curtain he had been using for a blanket. "Fine, Seras. By the way, those cookies have mold on them, maybe we should just toss them-"

"Nuh uh, I'm a vampire, mold can't hurt me, so it's mine by default." Seras stuck her hand in the cookie jar, but was surprised by Integra breaking an empty vodka bottle over the vampire's head. "PITIFUL MONSTER, THE ALCOHOL IN MY SYSTEM WILL KILL ANY INFECTION!"

"Oh yeah?" Seras grabbed the cookie jar. "Well, you'll have to come get me!" the vampire scurried up a nearby tree.

Integra shook her fist. "CURSE YOU, THUNDER-TITS! Raccoon slaves, fetch me my chainsaw!"

Walter snuck off to find a payphone. And some change. Maybe if he got lucky, the mercenaries would have some cookie funds to send…

_Click._ "Hello, Mister Bernadette."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" _**CRUNCH.**_

Pip's jeep hit another tentacle zombie, who broke open in several places before just missing the leaking cans of radioactive waste Pip had been juggling while driving the jeep with his feet.

"CANNOT TALK! AM BUSY RIGHT NOW!" Pip screamed into the car phone.

"Mister Bernadette, it's been weeks. How long could it possibly take to kill a few ghouls?" Walter heard a bone-chilling roar in the background. "Where are you, anyway?"

"Oh, you know, around and about. I don't actually know, the plane was on fire and this zombie baby thing was chewing on my hand so I'm not sure where we were steering, and Felipe kept throwing unprimed grenades at the back of my head, and then we found out the plane was carrying, like, two hundred pounds of spiders in the back, and-"

"Who is Felipe?"

"That's a very long story, and I doubt you would believe me if I told you. We found him in Canada. I think it was Canada, anyway. There were maple syrup rivers, and those guys with the hats and the guitars. Mariachi."

"Is there no postal service in the country you are currently gracing with your presence?"

"_**KUS WOLA! AB'JEM TA!"**_ Vasily, his normally spotless uniform covered in bite marks and blood stains, pile drived three zombies at once.

"Uh, no. I don't think so. All of the signs have little pictures instead of words. Right now, we're in…" Pip checked a nearby sign. "Soccer ball, squiggly line, blender, squiggly line, vacuum cleaner. AAAAH WHAT THE FUCK!"

A reanimated Tyrannosaur chased Pip's jeep, the beast's tentacles writhing as its three heads snapped at Pip's hat.

"I'll thank you to keep your language clean with me, young fellow." Walter said.

"Felipe, catch!" Pip tossed another box of grenades at a hulking sasquatch dressed in an ill-fitting red Luchadore costume. Felipe hit the box of grenades with his steel-lined banjo, scattering primed explosives in a thirty-meter radius.

"Oh, fuck! I'll call you back. GODDAMN ZOMBIE DINOSAURS!"

KA-**BOOM****.**

Walter hung up the phone. "Filthy layabouts. Probably playing a video game." He fished out another coin from his pocket and dialed Flint's home number. "Maybe he'll be able to send their paychecks here…" Walter mumbled to himself.

"WHO SENT YOU!?"

"Hello, I'm Walter. We may have met before. I work for Sir Integral Hellsing. You see…"

"LIES! Walter is a tall human with a ponytail! You're some kind of plastic device with a grate at either end! Stop lying to me, robot!" BANG. "I'll shoot you! I'm crazy!"

"Plastic devi…" Walter sighed. "This is a phone, Flint. I'm speaking to you through the phone."

"WITCHERY!"

"No, it's just modern technology, which is more or less the same thing. Listen, could you just send Pip and Vasily's paychecks here to the Hellsing estate? They seem to be unable to collect at the moment."

"Nah, all my funds are tied up with this thing with Alucard."

"Dammit. Did he make it to the states?"

"Yep. We're involved in something right now, but he said you should be getting money soon. And not monopoly money like last time."

"Have you been taking your medication, Flint? Just out of curiosity."

"If by 'medication', you mean LSD, then yes. Anyway, I've got a meeting with some prominent investors and I've got to clean all the dead turkeys out of my living room before they get here."

"Dead…eurgh. Thank you." Walter hung up, sighed and began scrounging the ground for quarters again, when he noticed a newspaper lying on the ground. "Hmmm…I wonder if they've shot Joe Biden yet…" His eyes widened when he saw the headline. "Oh, no…"

-line break-

Seras waved after Sir Integral's taxi. "Boy, am I glad Sir Integra smokes so much. Otherwise, she would have figured out that was a coaster and not a biscuit that I gave her."

"MISS VICTORIA!" Walter, out of breath, waved at the police girl with a rolled up newspaper. "I figured out what Alucard's scheme was! He's getting his campaign donors to give us hush money! Wait, where's Sir Integral?"

"She got a check from some Coca-cola brothers, then said that she was taking a vacation to California to get oiled up by scantily clad surfer dudes. I wasn't invited." Seras pouted.

"Coca…dammit. Look." Walter unfurled the newspaper.

"Walter, what are you…" Seras's jaw dropped. "Oh, _fuck _me."

**BUSINESSMAN ALLEN U. CARD WINS REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY, IS EXPECTED TO NAME DONALD TRUMP AS RUNNING MATE**

-line break-

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **Well, this isn't March. Sorry about that. Life happened, and I had an idea for this chapter that I could never quite get off the ground. I intend to write Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas episodes, although we'll see how that turns out.

Thanks for your patience, and the next one will almost certainly take less time.


End file.
